Thursday, June 01, 2006

Suscitatio, Carpe Vita, Sileo Securus

My "niece" Meesha and I, on vacation in Elmore, VT (2001???)

Beware, this is another long, self-indulgent post about my life.....

Seizing the day and seizing life isn't always a simple matter. Until recently, I've been standing on the sidelines of life and just observing. There is something comforting and secure about watching what is going on around you while simply staying invisible and not participating. But after a while, this gets tiresome and lonely. It is not natural for me to be so uninvolved. Some forms of depression can become self-perpetuating: I was deeply hurt by love, I feared it and isolated myself. The more I isolated myself, the more fear I felt. The more fearful I was, the further I isolated myself. A while back, I was floored when someone told me that I was a stoic, cold-hearted, icy bitch. What happened to the old me?

You could say that I finally woke up a few months ago when I took stock of what I had done in the past year... What had I accomplished since the rug was pulled out from under me? Had I progressed in life at all? No, I pretty much landed on my head and stayed there... because I was terrified of standing on the rug again, sort of like how a possum feigns death to avoid the teeth of a potential predator. This just isn't me, I used to be a person who seized the bull by the horns and wrestled it down. While hiding out in my self-constructed fortress, I had managed to almost strangle every semblance of the compassionate humanity I used to posess. Ever since the day I came to this realization, I've been steadily reclaiming my former nature and inching back toward happiness.

"One day at a time" may sound trite, but it's the best way I can describe my life right now. I can honestly say that I'm starting to feel again. My world has turned from a scary place filled with malevolent entities back into a warmer, more inviting climate where I can open up and rest in the knowledge that there really are good people in the world, it's just a matter of finding them. I can't give up on living because of the potential for more pain.

I have learned a lot through all of this. My hardest lesson has been in learning that there are some problems in life which can't be fixed; pick up the pieces, forgive the one(s) who may have contributed to the problem, and move on to other things. This isn't easy for a guy like me who has been raised on the idea that effort and pure will-power can accomplish anything. I have also learned that sitting on the sidelines is therapeutic for a while, but it can take away your drive to live if you keep yourself out of the picture for too long. Human beings are made in the image of God, including the divine aspect of creativity. My understanding of creativity is that it encompasses more than just a work of art, a writing, or a project; it is an extension of your soul; it defines how you relate to the people around you; and how your personality meshes with theirs. Sitting on the sidelines, not engaged and not engaging for too long is contrary to one's divine creative nature and can kill the spirit. Lastly, I have learned that there really is justice in the world. It may not be immediate and it may not seem equitable at the time, but everything eventually attains balance again after an existential extreme occurs. Disillusionment with the balance of life accomplishes nothing. One can still work for a greater good and stand for what they believe in while going with the flow.

I can safely say that I have left the sidelines and am back on the road. Crawling, running, or walking, at least I am now progressing and watching the horizon.

1 comment:

Steve S said...

well, that's just beautiful, and you get to figure it out so young too.