Religious & Apocalyptic Theory

For frequent readers who are not of religious mindset or are generally turned off by religious matters, I assure you that the following post will sound like a bunch of insane blather.

There have been a lot of spiritual queries and observations circulating around in my head lately... It is no secret that my first two decades of life in a fundamentalist/evangelical/baptist background have been both a blessing and a curse. The fundamentalists who I've encountered are mostly of the ilk who do not perceive themselves as being fundamentalists (and are offended if given this label). They think that they are purely acting as a tool of God, not bothering to question whether or not it is wise to follow a literal interpretation of a book which was written as a moral code for an ancient, largely undeveloped society. I frequently consider my past spiritual life and how it compares with my views in more recent times, how it all fits into the big picture, and I continue fighting to keep a clear perspective in order to stay on the right path.

Admittedly, I am not the best or most astute Christian... in fact I can be quite the "Doubting Thomas". I frequently call my own beliefs into question, I sometimes treat my religious outlook with irreverence in mixed company, and I often have a hard time with fundamentalism: despising the mindset while attempting to understand and love those who have been trapped by it. Despite this doubting nature, I still find myself right back at a place of Faith. I've also not cracked the cover of my Bible for almost a decade. One could say that I've developed an aversion to Bible-reading due to all the times that I've seen the Good Book used by cruel people as an instrument of control, an assault weapon, or as a torture device. As of lately, I am cautiously attempting to revisit the Scriptures with a new attitude and different mental framework, without the fundamentalist dogma filter... much of this with the hopes of subverting many of the lies which I frequently encounter within my family and the general Christian community.

This is all very overwhelming and I will confess that I am a bit disillusioned by a large part of Christianity because of it's rampant hypocrisy... People preaching about loving others while happily supporting a war with extraordinarily high collateral damage (and severe long-term repercussions); insecure men who claim to be spreading the love of Jesus while treating all the females in their life with utter contempt and allowing their family to rot and wither from the inside out; people in the church hierarchy who put on an heir of acceptance and love during services but outside of it they cast revulsion and complete disrespect toward women, homosexuals, and other ethnic groups. I've watched churches eject people for simply disagreeing with what the pastor says (wouldn't any pastor worth his salt attempt to gently explain his position?), and observed congregations who tame their guilty conscience by sending a token sum of money to missions overseas while completely ignoring the abundance of physical and spiritual need within their own community (it seems to be easier to look at a few photographs and read stories instead of confronting the problems head-on). I've heard all manner of sermons about the evils of sexual immorality yet the deacons and/or pastor physically and emotionally abuse their wives, keeping them subservient with the vague threat of salvation-loss or even physical harm. When women in some churches become pregnant outside of marriage, they suddenly become an object of ridicule and stigma... yet if it is found out that a man (within the church) had sex outside of marriage, he might get a slap on the wrist or his behavior is tacitly accepted as being just part of the nature of men. There are all these supposedly "Christian" political organizations who have all sorts of lofty spiritual aspirations on the surface, but a strong bloodlust and desire for control underneath it all. Men who claim that women are to be respected, then blame them for being raped or molested by insisting that it was the woman's own fault for wearing immodest clothing or unintentionally leading the aggressor on. Church folks who profess a strict moral code except when it directly contradicts their personal interests. A society of people who greedily consume material goods at the expense of other societies and the earth (as well as all the natural life that it contains). Instances where people who come to God seeking relief from drug or alcohol addiction are warmly accepted, yet are treated like the filthy stray dog who raided the garbage bin if they happen to lose their way and backslide a bit. I forget which blog I read it on, but I recently came across a quote that stated,"Christianity is one of the only religions which shoots it's own wounded." Regrettably, I have to agree with that statement somewhat. Am I sounding overly negative yet? I apologize, bear with me here.

I've read on various Christian websites about what a sorry state the world is in, supposedly because of the decrease in true Believers. Well I ask this: Why should everyone else believe? Would you go to a psychologist who talked to inanimate objects? Would you pay for the services of a doctor who never washed his hands and was always sick? Would you be quick to form an alliance with someone who commanded unquestioning loyalty, demanded complete control of all your thought processes, and severely persecuted or executed anyone who did not follow these requirements? I do believe that all churches and branches of Christianity suffer with the aforementioned problems to a greater or lesser degree. I also firmly believe that we are witnessing the False Church spoken of in Revelation, growing within the pews of our own churches today, feeding off of the ignorance and all of this fake intellectual/moral sanctimony. It seems to consist of the minds of those who would blindly follow a doctrine just because it says so in a book, bypassing all common sense or leadings of the Spirit, and engaging in the hypocritical behaviors mentioned in the last paragraph. In deference to the fact that none of us are perfect, I conjecture that the False Church exists in all of us in some measure, the two sides continuously having a knock-down, drag-out war with each other... the ultimate prize being control of the human consciousness. I confess that I often feel the war going on within my own self and am fighting every day to see clearly past the lies.

On the positive side, there are a lot of good things coming about as a result of this conflict within the religious world... things are starting to polarize... while the False Church spews hatred and punishment, there are Christian groups who are now practicing the true teachings of Christ and embracing areas of society which were previously considered too filthy to touch... with a humble heart (not a sense of moral superiority) taking in those who are broken by drugs, abuse, and ignorance, rebuilding them and turning them into stronger people and continuing to lay a healing hand on those whose struggle is not so easily won, regardless of how many times they mess up. The Spirit is starting to move deeply within the gay community... bringing about a new sense of awareness and spiritual strength to many 'former Christians' who have been ostracized by the teachings of the False Church. There are Many in all religions and walks of life who are mobilizing to fight the corrosive ideologies which have become so deeply rooted in our failing system. I have faith that regardless of how strong or prominent the Beast gets, there will always be a balancing, healing, understanding, transcending Presence that is even stronger.

Whitman's Wit

One of my other reading projects lately is a biography/tribute by the author Helen Nearing, written primarily about life with her late husband, the activist & writer, Scott Nearing. The book is entitled Loving and Leaving the Good Life, a beautiful recollection of her husband's passion for life. In the fourth chapter, she quotes the preface to Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass. For the most part, I found this passage to be wise and well-written and I wanted to share it here:

Life is a school, exactly adapted to your lesson.
Your present life is only a chapter out of the middle of a book.
You have written previous chapters and you will write later ones.
You are your own author.

The love of one's country is a natural thing. But why stop at the
border?

So think as if your every thought were to be etched in fire upon
the sky for all and everyone to see. And so in truth it is.

So speak as if the world entire were but a single ear intent on
hearing what you say. And so in truth it is.

So do as if your every deed were to recoil upon your head. And
so in truth it does.

So live as if your God himself had need of you, his life to live.
And so in truth He does.

Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms
to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote
your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not con-
cerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people,
take your hat off to nothing known or unknown or to any man
or number of men, go freely with the powerful uneducated persons
and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these
leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-
examine all you have been told at school or church or in any
book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul...

Reflecting on 2006

The past year has been a year of learning, a time of extremes and a time of turning my shrewd, critical eye back on myself. I have had to slash and burn a lot of excess out of my life in order to set myself back into a state of receptiveness and growth... much in the same fashion that one has to prune the appropriate parts off of an apple tree if it is to bear more fruit in the future.

What I have learned:

• Bad things will happen to good people regardless. Common sense and careful planning will minimize them, but won't completely eliminate the possibility of them happening. So keep them in the back of your head, but don't let the potential for said bad things rule you and steer your life. One can't simultaneously have true happiness while living in a personal ice fortress that was built to keep the bad people out.
  
• The world does not revolve around me. There are causes, ideologies, and forms of spirituality which are far bigger than myself and they deserve far more attention.
• I have technically now been reclassified as a liberal democrat/libertarian/communist instead of a centrist because anyone who disagrees with the Bush administration's ideologies often gets labeled as a disloyal, namby-pamby pinko commie faggot (or so I've learned from catching occasional doses of venom from folks such as Rush Limbaugh & Anne Coulter on their radio shows).
• Don't take life quite so seriously. All work and no play makes Nonsequitur a dull boy. While it's important to maintain a good work ethic and be mindful of the fashion in which one lives and presents themself... there is also laughter, love and music to be had.
• Love thy neighbor... try to see things from their perspective and strive to find the common Good in them. It isn't always easy, but it is one of the most essential practices for being in connection with the Divine.
  
• Trite but true: Don't sweat the small stuff. If it won't matter tomorrow, next month, or 5 years down the road, what does it matter now?
• Emotions can't be left unchecked. Yeah, they're there for a reason, but they don't serve you well when your hand is always on the trigger. It has been especially hard for me to learn to reign them in... I come from a family of reactionaries. I am now constantly reminding myself to examine my first impulse long and hard before acting on it.
• Walk away from problems which are eating up loads of your energy, but not producing any results. I was raised on the idea that hard work and an iron will can accomplish anything... not true. If anything, setting down an issue for a while or walking away from it can give you time to reflect and maybe revisit it later with a different set of tools.
• Forgive.
• Openly admitting your faults takes away most of your adversaries' ammunition.
• Cheap dish detergent isn't worth it, you end up having to use three times as much.
• The bumper sticker saying is true: "It is important to speak your mind, even if your voice quivers."
• Stainless hoop earrings are very tempting toys for parrots, but hazardous to the people that they are attached to if within range of parrots.
  
• For Heaven's sake, I really need to get into the habit of leaving my car keys in the same location consistently!
  

Head In The Clouds, Reading

So, I've been back to work since yesterday... and as you may know from the last post, I've been sick since Christmas Eve... it's been crazy. The non-drowsy meds just don't work for me and I have weird chemical sensitivities... which basically means that any medicine which says in the fine print that one should not operate heavy machinery while using it.... usually will send me for a heck of a loop in which I feel like a just drank a fifth of Jim Beam and my head is a hot air balloon floating around.... viewing the world through a long paper towel tube... you know, that weird almost visceral feeling like you know you're there, interacting with people and doing things, but you feel like you are watching it on film instead of actually experiencing it. While some people partake of certain substances to attain this feeling on purpose, I generally don't enjoy it. On the positive side, this was a very busy, productive day at work and it was the first day that I've not had to take anything for my symptoms. Considering that other people I know have been down flat for more than a week with this bug, I got off lucky with just a few days. Chock it up to a cast iron immune system :-) I almost made it the entire year without calling in sick to work.

I've just finished reading White Oleander by Janet Fitch and it was an incredible read all the way through. I would highly recommend it. I am currently delving into The Deep Well Tapes, a book on Archetypal Dreamwork (which seems to be based in Archetypal Psychology), authored by my own Uncle, Marc Bregman. In truth, I am not certain what to think of it yet. There is some of it that I do not understand, but some the points that he is bringing forth in the beginning of the book... are starting to make perfect sense to me as one who was raised in a literalistic, somewhat fundamentalist, closed-minded and reactionary form of Christianity, yet secretly held a mystic's point of view on the entire religion, as well as the way that it applies to humankind. Another interesting point is that many of the philosophies that he puts forth seem to align with a majority of the tenets of Quakerism (for those of you who don't know, I've been attending regular meetings at various Quaker meeting houses for the past few months). It would be entirely arrogant and premature to say that I have even a loose grasp on any of this yet, but we will see how things go in the next year or so. I have clawed as far as I can go under the old mindset and it is necessary for me to change and grow...

Which brings me to a minor point of order in my life... several times in the past year, I have felt a strong compulsion to go back and edit this blog, to remove past content or statements that I have made in moments of strong emotion, to gloss over my own reactive nature. But every time I felt this compulsion, I resisted... why? Editing history is the hallmark of fascist regimes and those who are controlled by their fear of the ghosts of what was. And because I have come to realize that it is better to own up to the past, how one has acted in the past, and it is necessary to preserve the past as it was so that one may see clearly how they were in order to work on what they are to be.

Christmas

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas/Happy Holiday time. Santa was very good to me, but it has been hectic over on this end... the whole pre-Christmas shopping & wrapping frenzy & whatnot.

I could whine until the cows come home about being sick on Christmas day, having all my expensive soaps ruined by a leaky pipe below the bathroom sink, catching conjunctivitis from my little brother (who I am still happy to see, regardless), not having the health insurance necessary to cover a doctor's visit to treat said issues, and finding out that whoever has been rifling through my belongings in the basement had also trampled 3/4 of my wrapping supplies... but even in light of all of this, I am still quite blessed compared to some of the folk I see walking the streets of my town every day, and they in turn are far more blessed than some of the unfortunate people in overseas locations whom I read about in the news every day. Wrapping supplies can be replaced cheaply, my illness and conjunctivitis are already clearing up with the aid of some home remedies, and I have had excellent health for almost a decade... a lot of those who are less fortunate have problems of a much more permanent and severe nature. I don't live in a war-torn region of the world (although that could easily change if the current administration doesn't pull it's head out of it's rear end). I don't have to defend my household & family from inner-city criminals. I don't have any dietary deficiencies or diseases due to bad living conditions. Really people, a lot of us spit about being cut off in traffic, getting bad coffee at the drive-through, or having to put up with some annoying character in line at the supermarket, but these issues are trivial in the grand scheme of things.

I am contemplating whether or not to make a New Year's resolution this year. I kept last year's resolutions well enough, but I am already changing so much of my life that I don't know if there is anything else that I need to pile onto it. Perhaps it should be this: that I focus more on being compassionate and appreciating what I have been given and how I can help others to see the same blessings in their own lives.

Thanksgiving, Hike, & Memories

Wow, lots of large photos in this post, one might think that I am trying to punish blog readers who have dial-up internet connections. Sorry folks :)

... and here are some things I am thankful for this past year:

• The library and a new-found love of reading.
• The results of the mid-term elections.
  
• Paying off my car (which has stayed reliable) and a general lessening of financial debt all around.
• Learning to gain better control my mind in order to keep it quiet, still, and receptive when it needs to be.
• My family.
• The wisdom & insight that my sister has brought into my life, which as also resulted in my deeper understanding of my family and the world around us.
  
• Excellent health.
• More friends who seem to help bring out the best side of me.
  
• Emotional healing, I've not exactly attained complete inner peace but I've come a long way.
• Mild autumn weather & scenic surroundings throughout my excursions in the outdoors.
  
• Without the aid of medication, winning most of my battles with the depression that has plagued me these last few years.
• Forging a fresh connection to life and parts of me which I thought were irretrievably lost years ago.
• The beauty of rural New England.
  
• Renewed faith in goodness and the positive side of things.
• The Religious Society of Friends: the enlightenment, spiritual healing, and positive energy I've experienced as a result of the various meetings I've attended. I have been reminded that there is something pure, good, and right out there... which is not bound to any single religion and it has the capacity to give knowledge & wisdom; getting one in touch with the divinity hiding beneath this complicated, protective shell that many of us wear; healing the wounds inflicted by those who do not understand the big picture.
  
• A relatively peaceful environment at my work place.
• DARK CHOCOLATE!!!!
• New furniture.
• The wisdom to know when to walk away from a problem that no amount of skill or effort will fix.
  
• Decent, dependable roommates.
• A good pair of hiking boots.

I headed over to my parents' house for the usual Thanksgiving Day meal and I brought back enough leftovers to give me a piece of the holiday for the next week's worth of lunch breaks at work. I also decided to go on a 3 hour hike to view many of my childhood/teenage hang-outs to reminisce a bit and collect photo memories. My hike today lead me down some of the old trails that I used to traverse when I was 12 years old and just looking for a way to escape for a while... Sometimes my little brother came along. I remember these times fondly, though I was a bit disappointed to see extensive logging activity on some of what used to be the more scenic parts. At least the logging seems to have been done in a somewhat mindful fashion... selectively cutting down only what is needed and leaving healthy, half-grown trees every 5-10 feet so that these areas will recover within the decade.

Thanksgiving Eve: a panoramic view of a beautiful sangria-pink sunset on the west side of my town, taken from the bank of the river.

I laid back on a boulder and enjoyed this view of some bare oaks poking at the sky, almost seeming to want to catch the impending snow.


An old farm house on a back-woods plot. Tragically, starting to fall into disrepair.




The dirt driveway leading away from the farmhouse, down to the dirt road which I used to live on.


Recent beaver activity near the old beaver pond. It seems they've been rather industrious... these trees are twice as thick as my leg.


This pond was here when my family first moved to New Hampshire and my brother & I spent countless hours here catching newts, frogs, tadpoles and picking water lily blossoms to take home. Notice the beaver lodge in the middle. This pond almost disappeared in my mid-teen years after they trapped and relocated the beavers due to their road-culvert-plugging activities... well, it looks as though they have come back in full force.


Scenic old farm belonging to one of my parents' neighbors.


One of the swimming holes that my brother and I often used to beat the summertime heat.


Another swimming hole with several different views.


Until a few years ago, there was a HUGE old beech tree, about 3 feet in diameter, mounted to the left of the boulder, overhanging this deep bend in the river. I used to sit on the roots with my feet in the water, fishing for trout. There was one summer that I refused to swim in this particular location because I saw a snapping turtle the size of a wash tub milling around in the mud on the river bottom.

*Sung to the tune of "I Got Rhythm"* Rusted car-wrecks, links of stove-pipe, no more windows, they will not run anymooooooooore...
Old classic cars sitting at the edge of a field. I'd love to know where these cars have been and where they were driven before ending up like this.

A trout pond in which my brother and I used to swim, under the radar of a grouchy townie who didn't like children on his property (but had no compunction about allowing rowdy groups of ATV & snowmobile riders free reign). I do believe that my little pet snapping turtle may have found a home here too >:)

Another vehicle that looks like it has seen better days.

Parade of FREA... errr... Interesting People

OK, so there are mixed opinions in some circles as to whether or not the lunar cycles affect people's personalities, particularly the full moon. I can tell you with certainty that I believe they do. Having worked in the nursing field, I've observed that dementia patients get far rowdier and more unsettled (as well as exhibiting more pronounced unsettling behavior), and in retail, rude customers become more rude around the full moon. Between the crazy lady who lives in her van with 15+ pet rats... harassing the front counter people to give her a refund for a product which she has no proof of having bought... and not just harassing... she HUNG AROUND FOR OVER FIVE HOURS and proceeded to bombard different staff members with no less than three different versions of why she deserves a refund and how she obtained the product.... and the man who seemed to imply that we had somehow conspired to sell him sick fish (despite the fact that the illness manifested almost 2 weeks after he purchased them, pretty much all fish diseases are evident within a few days of purchase if they were sick at the time of purchase)... then getting incensed about the fact that he had to actually PURCHASE the medicine for curing the ones that hadn't died yet. And a whole other delectable onslaught of miscreants... The highlight of my day was the several hours of having to duck pipes and ductwork in a cobwebby basement room where I had to slouch like a hunchback because of the low ceilings (my back is killing me as a result)... and repeatedly plunging my hands & forearms into mud that smelled like a swamp filled with human waste... ( I was trimming pond plants of all vegetation & external roots and storing them for winter)... Ummm... let's just say that today was a bit of an ordeal and I am glad that it is done with. On the positive side, I went to Dimitri's house to watch O Brother, Where Art Thou? with him and his mother. I had never actually seen the film before and I have to say that I enjoyed it... such a quirky and creative adaptation. I also made a huge pot of my Italian(esque) gumboish soup... gumboish because my soups are typically so thick that they could be considered the bastard child of gumbo and soup. Will post the recipe at some point soon.

Lily-White Marzipan Armpit Cream

Oooooh, another pointless title that has nothing to do with this post... surprise surprise (or not, if you are a frequent reader of this blog).

Tonight I went on a dinner date with a gentleman by the name of James, who I met at my party a couple weeks ago. We went to Mai Thai, a great thai restaurant on the main downtown strip in Hanover, NH. After that, we went to see The Departed at The Nugget Theater. All in all, a lovely evening.

In other news, I spent this past weekend up in northwest VT with my sister and grandmother where we had an early celebration of my birthday (that's right folks, I'm now 27, time to break out the metamucil and the walker). I ended up receiving many lovely gifts, including a sharp set of clothes from my sister and grandmother, a DVD recorder/vcr combo from my parents, and a dremel tool just arrived in the mail from my little brother. I don't believe I've ever gotten so many useful and much-needed gifts on a single birthday. What a blessing!!!

One of the more unusual gifts I've received in recent times. We have a bit of a long-running family joke concerning smoked salmon sandwiches.

The back yard at my grandmother's place, gardens winding down to sleep for the winter.

My sister & grandmother's cat, Miss Jane, aka: Jane Doe Kitty, Madame Pickulus.

I have a slightly odd fascination with knick-knacks and colored glass items sitting in windows, which I believe comes from having seen so many scenes like this in my grandmother's house.

A lovely view of Camel's Hump mountain on the stretch of interstate just below Burlington, VT.

Halloween spirit at my workplace

Hmmm... and a couple of humorous time-wasters that I would recommend: A twistedly funny ICQ prank perpetrated by Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka of somethingawful.com, and yet another flash offering from Fat-Pie entitled: Video Dating Tape. Fair warning: this animation is not for those without a dark, twisted sense of humor. If you watch it and laugh raucously like I did, it will likely mean that you need psychiatric intervention, however viewing this film may be the cause of needing psychiatric intervention whether or not you find it funny.

The Throbblefoot Spectre

Due to temporary absence of creativity, yet another lack of pertinent title...

This past Sunday, for the second time, I attended a Quaker meeting at the Putney Friends' Meeting House. Even though I am just a silent spectator for the time being, I am really enjoying the structure (or lack of traditional church structure) at the meetings. A woman sitting close to me stood up and read a passage from a book which expounded on allowing yourself to be flawed, natural, and not have to put up a facade of perfection. The passage spoke of how we were created with our flaws for a reason. It is what makes us human, unique, and more able to give of ourselves. It really spoke to me on a deep level because as of lately I have been striving to live a more straightforward, authentic life. This has included admitting and accepting my flaws. This is not to say that one can't work on improving them, but truth be told I've been holding myself to a borderline impossible standard for years now and it has cost me a lot.

For a long time I have been walking through life trying hard to be precisely what American culture dictates we should be: strong, composed 100% of the time, intelligent, intense, passionate, and perfect in every way. Why is it so wrong to show your weaknesses? We walk around with this heir of false dignity, worrying about what everyone else thinks of us, losing ourselves in complexity (hiding from stigma), while we ignore many of the essential building blocks for true happiness. All for the sake of what? Approval? Popularity? Do the ends justify the means in this case? What do we have to show for all of our social athletics after all is said and done?

I can honestly say that ever since I have started admitting my faults instead of pretending they aren't there, I have better learned to deal with them and simplify my life... things have become clearer and there is an existential richness that I have never experienced before. I am progressing, but I still have a lot of growing to do.