Unpacking & Examining MMIX

Hmm... it went by more quickly than I expected. It was a year of changes and a year of extremes. It found me in the deepest anger I've felt in a long time, yet also the most reassurance and support that I've had in a long time. My method of dealing with said anger wasn't as graceful as it could have been but far more graceful than the person who I was five years ago would've handled it. This was the year that my faith in humanity truly began to gain momentum. There were many acts of Grace and friendship that I had the privilege of witnessing, not least of which was found in a number of friends who came through for me and helped me when I needed it the most. Matt, Murph, Brian, Sean, Meghan... I feel indebted to you for helping me as much as you did. I hope I can return the favor some day.

This year also took a couple of friends away from me due to drugs. Sad? Yes, but I've learned that it is pointless to beat my head against the wall with people who, so absorbed in their own pain, can't see what it is doing to them or those who care about them and are unwilling to get the professional help they need. Part of me feels a pang of regret for having walked away when they were at their worst, but it is also the part of me which wants to fix everyone and ultimately cripples me. I can't be doing that, it will only burn me out and leave me with little resources for repairing my own mind, body and Spirit when necessary. I've watched many past friends descend into squalor and ruin due to drugs and I just don't have it in me anymore to sit around and watch people commit slow suicide. It hurts too much. "But for the Grace of God", that could have been me at one time. Optimistically, I can say that some of those friends who fell into this dangerous cycle found a measure of strength and Grace, having crawled back out of the pit. Guys/Girls, you know who you are and you have no idea how proud I am of you. It takes a lot of personal strength and painful reduction of ego to seek help and bring yourself back to those who care. If the aforementioned two wake up and get help, I'll be there for them as always.

Though two are gone, I've also made friends with someone whom I'd never have envisioned being friends with and as such, have been reminded to humble myself and stop judging a book by it's cover. This was a person whom I thought lived by a code of survival and preemptive or reactionary punitive action, yet possesses tremendous depth, wisdom and peace. I've learned a lot from him, bettered myself because of him and hope that we can remain friends.

I once read a quote in a book of Quaker Faith & Practice which appropriately describes human history like a mural, when standing up close examining one particular, small section, one may appreciate and learn from it, but it is very difficult to tell what it's purpose is and how it relates to the rest of the picture. We gain much more insight when we back up and examine the whole picture, the farther away it gets from us, the more we see how it all fits together; so it is in human history and so it is in one's own life experience.

How do these things relate to my own life? The various hardships and tragedies which took me out for a few years are now further away. I see how they fit together and what good things they lead to and I am at peace with the outcome. I feel whole, calm again. Confused? This previous post explains it. I've forgiven Tim (called Tom in the previous post for the sake of respect because he was still alive then), still love and fondly remember the good side of him. I am at the point where I don't think about him most of the day, every day; maybe just once a week or less, and it is usually the good memories. Maybe I've mentioned it before and it sounds crazy, but he pops up now and then. I actually see him with my own eyes, always when I least expect it and am not thinking about him. He never says anything but he's always looking at me and smiling, sometimes laughing joyfully. The last time I saw him grinning at me, then disappearing into the trees on an off-trail hike... another time in a fish tank (of all the odd places, he did have a good sense of humor). Will he ever pop up again? Will he say something to me? It is neither here nor there. If it happens it will be interesting, but I am now beyond any need for closure. Yeah, I know for a fact that he's dead and I don't know if these fleeting images are the product of some self-preservationist, subconscious process meant to soothe me or if it's an actual spiritual encounter, whatever it is I can say I am at peace with him. He has rejoined with The Source and has moved on to a better existence, whatever that may be.

While I've lost the need for New Year's Resolutions as a crutch or a way of putting off what I should be doing right now... I still state my intentions for the sake of tradition:

1. Keep trying to be nicer and more understanding with people, having come a long way in this respect since last year there is still a long way to go.

2. Become more involved: with family, with Meeting,with my friends, with life in general. It feels like it is my time to do so after having a decade-long phase of being aloof and rambling around. I've been walking around inside my head far too much. While it leads to a lot of creative and ingenious ideas/projects, it also causes me to be asocial, neurotic and shifts my focus onto distractions instead of essentials for personal growth.

A man I know and respect once stated that "We begin life on a long arc... as a bundle of Spirit with potential and a path in front of us and our existence fades in the same way, with us as a vital bundle of Spirit, with more to give than when we arrived." It feels like my life is approaching the apex of this arc in the next few years. I no longer fear the rest of the journey or the act of dying, these things all happen as part of the big picture. There will be hardships & heartbreak, yet also joy, renewal and love. None of us knows for certain when our time will be up, so do what we can with what we have and live in a State of Grace, eh?

Reflecting on 2006

The past year has been a year of learning, a time of extremes and a time of turning my shrewd, critical eye back on myself. I have had to slash and burn a lot of excess out of my life in order to set myself back into a state of receptiveness and growth... much in the same fashion that one has to prune the appropriate parts off of an apple tree if it is to bear more fruit in the future.

What I have learned:

• Bad things will happen to good people regardless. Common sense and careful planning will minimize them, but won't completely eliminate the possibility of them happening. So keep them in the back of your head, but don't let the potential for said bad things rule you and steer your life. One can't simultaneously have true happiness while living in a personal ice fortress that was built to keep the bad people out.
  
• The world does not revolve around me. There are causes, ideologies, and forms of spirituality which are far bigger than myself and they deserve far more attention.
• I have technically now been reclassified as a liberal democrat/libertarian/communist instead of a centrist because anyone who disagrees with the Bush administration's ideologies often gets labeled as a disloyal, namby-pamby pinko commie faggot (or so I've learned from catching occasional doses of venom from folks such as Rush Limbaugh & Anne Coulter on their radio shows).
• Don't take life quite so seriously. All work and no play makes Nonsequitur a dull boy. While it's important to maintain a good work ethic and be mindful of the fashion in which one lives and presents themself... there is also laughter, love and music to be had.
• Love thy neighbor... try to see things from their perspective and strive to find the common Good in them. It isn't always easy, but it is one of the most essential practices for being in connection with the Divine.
  
• Trite but true: Don't sweat the small stuff. If it won't matter tomorrow, next month, or 5 years down the road, what does it matter now?
• Emotions can't be left unchecked. Yeah, they're there for a reason, but they don't serve you well when your hand is always on the trigger. It has been especially hard for me to learn to reign them in... I come from a family of reactionaries. I am now constantly reminding myself to examine my first impulse long and hard before acting on it.
• Walk away from problems which are eating up loads of your energy, but not producing any results. I was raised on the idea that hard work and an iron will can accomplish anything... not true. If anything, setting down an issue for a while or walking away from it can give you time to reflect and maybe revisit it later with a different set of tools.
• Forgive.
• Openly admitting your faults takes away most of your adversaries' ammunition.
• Cheap dish detergent isn't worth it, you end up having to use three times as much.
• The bumper sticker saying is true: "It is important to speak your mind, even if your voice quivers."
• Stainless hoop earrings are very tempting toys for parrots, but hazardous to the people that they are attached to if within range of parrots.
  
• For Heaven's sake, I really need to get into the habit of leaving my car keys in the same location consistently!
  

Thanksgiving, Hike, & Memories

Wow, lots of large photos in this post, one might think that I am trying to punish blog readers who have dial-up internet connections. Sorry folks :)

... and here are some things I am thankful for this past year:

• The library and a new-found love of reading.
• The results of the mid-term elections.
  
• Paying off my car (which has stayed reliable) and a general lessening of financial debt all around.
• Learning to gain better control my mind in order to keep it quiet, still, and receptive when it needs to be.
• My family.
• The wisdom & insight that my sister has brought into my life, which as also resulted in my deeper understanding of my family and the world around us.
  
• Excellent health.
• More friends who seem to help bring out the best side of me.
  
• Emotional healing, I've not exactly attained complete inner peace but I've come a long way.
• Mild autumn weather & scenic surroundings throughout my excursions in the outdoors.
  
• Without the aid of medication, winning most of my battles with the depression that has plagued me these last few years.
• Forging a fresh connection to life and parts of me which I thought were irretrievably lost years ago.
• The beauty of rural New England.
  
• Renewed faith in goodness and the positive side of things.
• The Religious Society of Friends: the enlightenment, spiritual healing, and positive energy I've experienced as a result of the various meetings I've attended. I have been reminded that there is something pure, good, and right out there... which is not bound to any single religion and it has the capacity to give knowledge & wisdom; getting one in touch with the divinity hiding beneath this complicated, protective shell that many of us wear; healing the wounds inflicted by those who do not understand the big picture.
  
• A relatively peaceful environment at my work place.
• DARK CHOCOLATE!!!!
• New furniture.
• The wisdom to know when to walk away from a problem that no amount of skill or effort will fix.
  
• Decent, dependable roommates.
• A good pair of hiking boots.

I headed over to my parents' house for the usual Thanksgiving Day meal and I brought back enough leftovers to give me a piece of the holiday for the next week's worth of lunch breaks at work. I also decided to go on a 3 hour hike to view many of my childhood/teenage hang-outs to reminisce a bit and collect photo memories. My hike today lead me down some of the old trails that I used to traverse when I was 12 years old and just looking for a way to escape for a while... Sometimes my little brother came along. I remember these times fondly, though I was a bit disappointed to see extensive logging activity on some of what used to be the more scenic parts. At least the logging seems to have been done in a somewhat mindful fashion... selectively cutting down only what is needed and leaving healthy, half-grown trees every 5-10 feet so that these areas will recover within the decade.

Thanksgiving Eve: a panoramic view of a beautiful sangria-pink sunset on the west side of my town, taken from the bank of the river.

I laid back on a boulder and enjoyed this view of some bare oaks poking at the sky, almost seeming to want to catch the impending snow.


An old farm house on a back-woods plot. Tragically, starting to fall into disrepair.




The dirt driveway leading away from the farmhouse, down to the dirt road which I used to live on.


Recent beaver activity near the old beaver pond. It seems they've been rather industrious... these trees are twice as thick as my leg.


This pond was here when my family first moved to New Hampshire and my brother & I spent countless hours here catching newts, frogs, tadpoles and picking water lily blossoms to take home. Notice the beaver lodge in the middle. This pond almost disappeared in my mid-teen years after they trapped and relocated the beavers due to their road-culvert-plugging activities... well, it looks as though they have come back in full force.


Scenic old farm belonging to one of my parents' neighbors.


One of the swimming holes that my brother and I often used to beat the summertime heat.


Another swimming hole with several different views.


Until a few years ago, there was a HUGE old beech tree, about 3 feet in diameter, mounted to the left of the boulder, overhanging this deep bend in the river. I used to sit on the roots with my feet in the water, fishing for trout. There was one summer that I refused to swim in this particular location because I saw a snapping turtle the size of a wash tub milling around in the mud on the river bottom.

*Sung to the tune of "I Got Rhythm"* Rusted car-wrecks, links of stove-pipe, no more windows, they will not run anymooooooooore...
Old classic cars sitting at the edge of a field. I'd love to know where these cars have been and where they were driven before ending up like this.

A trout pond in which my brother and I used to swim, under the radar of a grouchy townie who didn't like children on his property (but had no compunction about allowing rowdy groups of ATV & snowmobile riders free reign). I do believe that my little pet snapping turtle may have found a home here too >:)

Another vehicle that looks like it has seen better days.