OFFER!
COUNTER-OFFER!
COUNTER-COUNTER-OFFER!
VOLLEYED SHOT FALLING OFF THE SIDE OF THE TABLE!
Piffle! I don't like playing realtors' games, but it's a necessary evil I suppose. Still hanging in there, submitting a final, non-negotiable offer soon, we will see... knock on wood and hope for the best outcome... whatever is meant to be. I think I will know where it all stands by the end of next week.
Random quote I read the other day and liked:
"Write to be understood, speak to be heard, read to grow." -Lawrence Clark Powell
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Wonderment
The last half decade has been a time of questioning, probing, growing, loss, grief, and further growth built upon these things; much as it is for many others. The complexity of it all continues to amaze me; the flow of life, the pattern of thought, how one thing leads on to another, epiphanies giving rise to further insights which are paradoxically simplistic yet complex and refined, often leading to further questions and even deeper understandings. It is much like the visual representation of pi above. It loops in upon itself infinitely, refining itself to a seemingly invisible end, at least invisible to the naked eye, after that one can close their eyes and imagine refinement to the molecular and subatomic scales. (Pi, the movie also makes reference to this concept.)
This fascination may also explain why I enjoy allegory, symbolism, analogy, and metaphor so much. They use a simplistic representation to make a seemingly complex set of parameters more accessible, and human curiosity leads us to explore them deeper. If we are brave enough to indulge this tendency in a wise fashion, it is one of the qualities which refines our person and keeps us active and living, leading to purer, higher forms of thought and a greater closeness with The Divine. The term "work in progress" may seem over-used but are we truly allowing ourselves the curiosity and fortitude to be precisely that?
Hmmm... speaking of which, I just finished reading Till We Have Faces, another work by C.S. Lewis. If you have read any of his work in the spirit that it was written, maybe you understand why my thought processes dwell in their current form. Lewis' work is a breath of fresh air in the middle of a seemingly dark political and religious landscape. At the very least it gives a lot of food for thought on what it means to be human and exist with all the troubles and hard questions which are thrown our way. My thanks goes out yet again to my sister and several friends who turned me on to his writings.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
YAY!
I FINALLY got pre-approved for a mortgage; currently in the process of negotiating on a seemingly nice property in a VERY rural town near by! It is a small fixer-upper cottage on 5.5 acres on the side of a mountain ridge line. I will not talk any more about it for now because the deal is not in the bag yet. We will see what happens. It looks good, but I'm praying for the door to close if it isn't meant to be. This is a major life decision and it is stressing me out a bit. If everything goes well and my final offer is accepted I can expect to spend the next month repeatedly jumping through hoops like a trained circus poodle: orchestrating contractors for inspection, dewinterizing, plumbing, ad infinitum... oh yeah, and let's not forget MOUNTAINS OF PAPERWORK! But oh will it ever be worth it in the end! (?)
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Random Stories With A Common Thread
Recent quiet times and meditations have yielded a lot of retrospective comparison and learning from some strange and unpleasant memories. Lately, whenever I sit down and quiet my mind... in meeting, outdoors while I am hiking/cross-country skiing, commuting to work... I keep casting the line out and when I reel it back in, there is my past, prior modes of thinking and how things have changed over the years and I examine the evolution that has taken place, the cause and effect. I am dissecting and further understanding the discoveries which have given rise to different ways of thinking, new understandings and further questions on top of those. It is a lot to juggle but this all has it's purpose.
A month ago I started going to the gym again. The human body is fascinating and it amazes me how quickly it can change and adapt to it's current use. I miss physical activity and striving for better health. I also suspect I will not need this supplement to my daily routine when I eventually have my own land to work, wood to harvest for winter heat, a garden to tend, and vast hiking trail networks around the wide open spaces surrounding the place I can call home. For now it seems to be my lot to look inward and keep building up the inside while honing the outside. It feels like a preparation for what is to come.
Back in my late teens, I started a rigid fitness regimen which might have been comparable to the training routine of a special ops marine. Throughout most of my later school years I was one of the awkward fat kids who got picked on for my weight and social ineptness. On top of being closeted back then, these were two attributes which amplified each other.
When I committed to becoming lean and mean, I became TOO lean and VERY mean. I began to stare through people instead of looking at them. Everyone was regarded on the basis of how threatening they were or weren't. While attending kick boxing classes, the bullies' voices were still ringing loudly and painfully in my head, so I would visualize their faces on the punching bag. One time I kicked it hard enough to take it off the chain, breaking the attachment ring and sending it halfway across the room. I am not bragging. I am ashamed and I am telling you that I was wrong. I always thought that I understood the trite bumper sticker quote that I see so often,"You are what you hate,"...suddenly it doesn't seem trite at all.
Since then I have run into some of the bullies who used to pick on me. Some could not look me in the eye. Most of them are not doing well; either in poor health or an unfavorable living situation. The ones who are truly happy are the ones who have changed their ways. The grapevine has lent the back story to some of their lives. Most of the stories were sad and littered with family problems and abuse. Bigger people hurt them, they hurt me, I hurt back and the war keeps going until someone walks away from it and forgives past trespasses. I forgive them. I now understand why some soldiers who come home from a war keep on experiencing it and fighting phantom opponents long after the battles are over. The fighting leaves them hollowed out, lacking hope and the will to reach for something better, desperately trying to reconnect with who they used to be. There are some who would tell me that I can't possibly know what it is like to be in the thick of battle, dealing with landmines, bullets, and all manner of threats. Regardless, I feel there are some apt comparisons and likenesses, especially on an emotional and spiritual level. How many of us have built our persona on a fighting mentality, only to find that it poisons our minds and leaves us more vulnerable? I never understood Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs until I saw how it played my own life and the lives of others. You can't move on to the next level until the basics are fulfilled. Struggling in survival mode is not conducive to higher human functioning.
One time, while I was out walking, there was a group of three men whom one could call stereotypical rednecks, along with the virulent homophobia. They had been drinking. I was cornered and threatened with bodily harm. In the scuffle, I sent two of them to the hospital with broken bones. No police showed up and no lawsuits were filed, I suspect they were not eager to bring more attention to the fact that a "*expletive* queer" who also happened to be smaller than them was able to get the upper hand and repel them with such prejudice. Conventional wisdom says that I was right to defend myself, but I know that I was wrong because I did not even attempt to talk them down or take them on a peaceable, intellectual level. Knowing what I do now, I think this would have been possible if not probable. I took away emotional injuries from that experience which I think were worse than the physical ones they sustained. If I met any of these men again today, I would ask for forgiveness. This is what happens to a person when they begin to base their identity on a characteristic which breeds violence, fear, and an aversion to open communication. It still hurts and it still reminds me of what I never want to happen again.
The gym routine continued at a suicide pace and in my early twenties I became so thin that my health began to deteriorate and this spawned rumors of AIDS. It was time for a change. I ended up breaking down on many levels, but I rebuilt myself. Now I have come full circle. In my late twenties I am enjoying feeling strong and able again. I like to stretch, relax, and focus on a physical goal in the knowledge that I am lessening my chances of ill health, decreasing the chance that I will some day need major forms of life-saving intervention from the health care industry. At the same time I hope never to be thin enough that people think I am less than healthy. Again I am able to see those around me, with my past reminding me of what was, an intimidating yet enriching future ahead and I walk now with my eyes open, seeing the people around me again for the first time.
A month ago I started going to the gym again. The human body is fascinating and it amazes me how quickly it can change and adapt to it's current use. I miss physical activity and striving for better health. I also suspect I will not need this supplement to my daily routine when I eventually have my own land to work, wood to harvest for winter heat, a garden to tend, and vast hiking trail networks around the wide open spaces surrounding the place I can call home. For now it seems to be my lot to look inward and keep building up the inside while honing the outside. It feels like a preparation for what is to come.
Back in my late teens, I started a rigid fitness regimen which might have been comparable to the training routine of a special ops marine. Throughout most of my later school years I was one of the awkward fat kids who got picked on for my weight and social ineptness. On top of being closeted back then, these were two attributes which amplified each other.
When I committed to becoming lean and mean, I became TOO lean and VERY mean. I began to stare through people instead of looking at them. Everyone was regarded on the basis of how threatening they were or weren't. While attending kick boxing classes, the bullies' voices were still ringing loudly and painfully in my head, so I would visualize their faces on the punching bag. One time I kicked it hard enough to take it off the chain, breaking the attachment ring and sending it halfway across the room. I am not bragging. I am ashamed and I am telling you that I was wrong. I always thought that I understood the trite bumper sticker quote that I see so often,"You are what you hate,"...suddenly it doesn't seem trite at all.
Since then I have run into some of the bullies who used to pick on me. Some could not look me in the eye. Most of them are not doing well; either in poor health or an unfavorable living situation. The ones who are truly happy are the ones who have changed their ways. The grapevine has lent the back story to some of their lives. Most of the stories were sad and littered with family problems and abuse. Bigger people hurt them, they hurt me, I hurt back and the war keeps going until someone walks away from it and forgives past trespasses. I forgive them. I now understand why some soldiers who come home from a war keep on experiencing it and fighting phantom opponents long after the battles are over. The fighting leaves them hollowed out, lacking hope and the will to reach for something better, desperately trying to reconnect with who they used to be. There are some who would tell me that I can't possibly know what it is like to be in the thick of battle, dealing with landmines, bullets, and all manner of threats. Regardless, I feel there are some apt comparisons and likenesses, especially on an emotional and spiritual level. How many of us have built our persona on a fighting mentality, only to find that it poisons our minds and leaves us more vulnerable? I never understood Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs until I saw how it played my own life and the lives of others. You can't move on to the next level until the basics are fulfilled. Struggling in survival mode is not conducive to higher human functioning.
One time, while I was out walking, there was a group of three men whom one could call stereotypical rednecks, along with the virulent homophobia. They had been drinking. I was cornered and threatened with bodily harm. In the scuffle, I sent two of them to the hospital with broken bones. No police showed up and no lawsuits were filed, I suspect they were not eager to bring more attention to the fact that a "*expletive* queer" who also happened to be smaller than them was able to get the upper hand and repel them with such prejudice. Conventional wisdom says that I was right to defend myself, but I know that I was wrong because I did not even attempt to talk them down or take them on a peaceable, intellectual level. Knowing what I do now, I think this would have been possible if not probable. I took away emotional injuries from that experience which I think were worse than the physical ones they sustained. If I met any of these men again today, I would ask for forgiveness. This is what happens to a person when they begin to base their identity on a characteristic which breeds violence, fear, and an aversion to open communication. It still hurts and it still reminds me of what I never want to happen again.
The gym routine continued at a suicide pace and in my early twenties I became so thin that my health began to deteriorate and this spawned rumors of AIDS. It was time for a change. I ended up breaking down on many levels, but I rebuilt myself. Now I have come full circle. In my late twenties I am enjoying feeling strong and able again. I like to stretch, relax, and focus on a physical goal in the knowledge that I am lessening my chances of ill health, decreasing the chance that I will some day need major forms of life-saving intervention from the health care industry. At the same time I hope never to be thin enough that people think I am less than healthy. Again I am able to see those around me, with my past reminding me of what was, an intimidating yet enriching future ahead and I walk now with my eyes open, seeing the people around me again for the first time.
Friday, January 25, 2008
More Great Quotes
Gleaned from a recent magazine article, I can not remember who these words were attributed to:
"The richest person in the world... isn't the person who has the most, but the one who needs the least."
"...the real trick in life is to turn hindsight into foresight that reveals insight."
"The richest person in the world... isn't the person who has the most, but the one who needs the least."
"...the real trick in life is to turn hindsight into foresight that reveals insight."
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Booxez
I finally finished reading The Five People You Meet In Heaven , it was beautiful and very nourishing for the mind and spirit. I just finished watching the movie based on this book too. Well-directed and it did not leave out anything pertinent from the book.
Currently slogging through the rest of The Saint, Surfer, and CEO, it feels dry and I am experiencing a bit of guilt for not liking it as much as the other people I've known who thought it was profound.
In the spirit of wanting to revisit some of the classics, I just started slogging through Sense and Sensibility and there are now recurring memories of why I did not enjoy even the condensed version of it in high school. Maybe I am just not intellectual enough to connect with it or perhaps it is the fact that I need to crack a dictionary several times on each page to research disused English vocabulary words. Regardless, I doubt I will be finishing it.
Currently slogging through the rest of The Saint, Surfer, and CEO, it feels dry and I am experiencing a bit of guilt for not liking it as much as the other people I've known who thought it was profound.
In the spirit of wanting to revisit some of the classics, I just started slogging through Sense and Sensibility and there are now recurring memories of why I did not enjoy even the condensed version of it in high school. Maybe I am just not intellectual enough to connect with it or perhaps it is the fact that I need to crack a dictionary several times on each page to research disused English vocabulary words. Regardless, I doubt I will be finishing it.
Monday, January 21, 2008
C'mon, you can't tell me they aren't intelligent...
As featured on Cute Overload.
Nothing much going on right now. Did my taxes, waiting to get in contact with the mortgage broker again... watching movies and TV series on DVD to pass the time between the gym and the days when the weather allows me to hike or cross-country ski. I am especially enjoying the first two seasons of Upright Citizens Brigade. It is a pity that the show was cut down in it's prime. I don't believe a lot of people really understood it and appreciated it for what it was. Yes, it was a bit twisted, off-color, and obscure but it was definitely ahead of it's time and marketed to the wrong audience.
Nothing much going on right now. Did my taxes, waiting to get in contact with the mortgage broker again... watching movies and TV series on DVD to pass the time between the gym and the days when the weather allows me to hike or cross-country ski. I am especially enjoying the first two seasons of Upright Citizens Brigade. It is a pity that the show was cut down in it's prime. I don't believe a lot of people really understood it and appreciated it for what it was. Yes, it was a bit twisted, off-color, and obscure but it was definitely ahead of it's time and marketed to the wrong audience.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Bouncing Off The Walls
I love my parents and all, but keep in mind that I've been living in my own home for over a decade now, and staying with them (it seems for the duration of winter) is driving me stir-crazy. This is not due to any transgression or shortcoming on their part. I'm simply ridiculously independent and feeling some major withdrawal from not having my own home environment to micromanage and a lack of an easily-available internet connection. The up-side: cheap rent and living expenses for now, which is enabling me to save up for a down payment on a home even faster than before, and I get plenty of exercise hiking all my familiar childhood trails.
There is a popular book that I am in the middle of reading (on the advice of a coworker) - The Saint, The Surfer, and The CEO; a decent read so far, but parts of it feel like a pre-scripted interaction within an Amway presentation, with people planted in the audience. Regardless, there are some interesting theories put into the book and I shouldn't discount it on the basis of it's mechanically contrived feeling. One of the concepts put forth in the book is that within the complexity of life, circumstances and teachers are sent our way repeatedly until we learn what they were sent to teach. I can not truthfully disagree in this case. It has felt for some time like the people and circumstances in my life are there to teach me to stop being so headstrong and independent, learning to be more socially passive and take help and acts of kindness instead of being the one who always gives them. My other lesson seems to be in the areas of patience and tolerance... Being a bit of a social introvert, I have a strong aversion to people who talk a lot while not expressing anything useful or meaningful, suddenly it seems like I am being surrounded with them everywhere I go, babbling non-stop and sometimes trying to engage me in conversation. I have to keep reminding myself that they do it because they want approval and camaraderie, seeking a connection just like any other human being. I just need to step back and patiently allow them to come into their own and hopefully outgrow the tendency toward verbal incontinence.
I was playing around with google maps a few weeks ago and stumbled across a woodland lake I had never seen before...
...and only a stone's throw away from one of my favorite hiking trails. It was in a section of the woods which I thought I had known like the back of my hand while growing up. Obviously I didn't know the woods as well as I thought, so I decided to go out and find it. After traversing the trail to where I figured was the nearest point, I guessed which direction the lake would be in and I bushwhacked through about a half mile of underbrush and ended up right on the shore...
...on further exploration around the entire perimeter of what turned out to be more of a large pond, I found a well-marked ATV trail leading from the other side of the lake onto a neighbor's property about a quarter mile away, but I also found something else interesting...
...on the shore of the pond was an old, decrepit sugaring house that looked like it was on the verge of falling down...
...note the large collecting tank for the sap...
...there were faint traces of an old (and long since grown-in) road leading to the structure and miscellaneous bottles & rusted out equipment lying around. I wish I knew the history of this structure: the conversations that may have taken place, the people who worked in it. If it was a family business... I am hoping to talk with the neighbor who presumably owns this property and ask about it.
More Miscellaneous Pictures:
Weird anthropomorphic stump aquarium ornament at work
My feline children resting comfortably
My former roommate brought 'Spud' for a visit at my workplace and she dressed him up in one of the small dog costumes.
I'll wrap this up with a cutesy-amusing video of 'Ozzy', a Brussels Griffon owned by one of my coworkers, reacting strangely to having winter paw-wear put on him.
There is a popular book that I am in the middle of reading (on the advice of a coworker) - The Saint, The Surfer, and The CEO; a decent read so far, but parts of it feel like a pre-scripted interaction within an Amway presentation, with people planted in the audience. Regardless, there are some interesting theories put into the book and I shouldn't discount it on the basis of it's mechanically contrived feeling. One of the concepts put forth in the book is that within the complexity of life, circumstances and teachers are sent our way repeatedly until we learn what they were sent to teach. I can not truthfully disagree in this case. It has felt for some time like the people and circumstances in my life are there to teach me to stop being so headstrong and independent, learning to be more socially passive and take help and acts of kindness instead of being the one who always gives them. My other lesson seems to be in the areas of patience and tolerance... Being a bit of a social introvert, I have a strong aversion to people who talk a lot while not expressing anything useful or meaningful, suddenly it seems like I am being surrounded with them everywhere I go, babbling non-stop and sometimes trying to engage me in conversation. I have to keep reminding myself that they do it because they want approval and camaraderie, seeking a connection just like any other human being. I just need to step back and patiently allow them to come into their own and hopefully outgrow the tendency toward verbal incontinence.
I was playing around with google maps a few weeks ago and stumbled across a woodland lake I had never seen before...
...and only a stone's throw away from one of my favorite hiking trails. It was in a section of the woods which I thought I had known like the back of my hand while growing up. Obviously I didn't know the woods as well as I thought, so I decided to go out and find it. After traversing the trail to where I figured was the nearest point, I guessed which direction the lake would be in and I bushwhacked through about a half mile of underbrush and ended up right on the shore...
...on further exploration around the entire perimeter of what turned out to be more of a large pond, I found a well-marked ATV trail leading from the other side of the lake onto a neighbor's property about a quarter mile away, but I also found something else interesting...
...on the shore of the pond was an old, decrepit sugaring house that looked like it was on the verge of falling down...
...note the large collecting tank for the sap...
...there were faint traces of an old (and long since grown-in) road leading to the structure and miscellaneous bottles & rusted out equipment lying around. I wish I knew the history of this structure: the conversations that may have taken place, the people who worked in it. If it was a family business... I am hoping to talk with the neighbor who presumably owns this property and ask about it.
More Miscellaneous Pictures:
Weird anthropomorphic stump aquarium ornament at work
My feline children resting comfortably
My former roommate brought 'Spud' for a visit at my workplace and she dressed him up in one of the small dog costumes.I'll wrap this up with a cutesy-amusing video of 'Ozzy', a Brussels Griffon owned by one of my coworkers, reacting strangely to having winter paw-wear put on him.
Monday, November 26, 2007
'Monty the Magically Malevolent Mantis Shrimp'
So we're a bit distracted and disturbed at my workplace... obviously so when we give some of our charges names like the title of this post. Check out the YouTube video below for a video I took of 'Monty' at mealtime. We have him trained to recognize the noise of the long tweezers tapping on glass as a signal that it is time to come get his food.
Video Caption on Youtube:
Young green mantis shrimp (Geonodactylaceus sp.) takes a piece of krill from long tweezers. Note the loud clicking noises as he violently whacks the tweezers with his claw in an attempt to take the food. This is why I do not feed him by hand. They are commonly known in the aquarium trade as "Thumb-splitters!" We named this one 'Monty'. He is currently about 2 inches long, was about three quarters of an inch when we originally acquired him by accident with a load of aquacultured live rock at my workplace. They are normally a pest organism in reef tanks but we didn't have the heart to euthanize him so we set up a mini-reef just for him. They are some of the most intelligent invertebrates in the ocean and they have the most complex eyes of all creatures, with the ability to see colors far outside the range of most mammals. Oh yeah, that's my coworker you hear calling me a dork in the beginning (she thinks it's abnormal that I am actually taking a video of this).
Video Caption on Youtube:
Young green mantis shrimp (Geonodactylaceus sp.) takes a piece of krill from long tweezers. Note the loud clicking noises as he violently whacks the tweezers with his claw in an attempt to take the food. This is why I do not feed him by hand. They are commonly known in the aquarium trade as "Thumb-splitters!" We named this one 'Monty'. He is currently about 2 inches long, was about three quarters of an inch when we originally acquired him by accident with a load of aquacultured live rock at my workplace. They are normally a pest organism in reef tanks but we didn't have the heart to euthanize him so we set up a mini-reef just for him. They are some of the most intelligent invertebrates in the ocean and they have the most complex eyes of all creatures, with the ability to see colors far outside the range of most mammals. Oh yeah, that's my coworker you hear calling me a dork in the beginning (she thinks it's abnormal that I am actually taking a video of this).
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Essay
The essay I mentioned in this previous post has finally gone online at http://www.beyondexgay.com, and can be viewed by following this link. For those of you who may not know what this is about, it is a narrative detailing the hardships and struggles I have been through as a result of the "Ex-Gay" movement as well as addressing the misinformation that this religious/political initiative has fed to some of my loved ones. I won't lie, it is a long read and some of it is depressing, much of it may also be edifying if you are seeking to learn more about the "Ex-gay" school of thought. I will return and post more afterthoughts concerning this at a later time.
I am currently between permanent living spaces and relying on local coffee shops with wireless internet access. The dial-up at my parents' home is so painfully slow that it takes me ten minutes just to access my e-mail, so long delays in response time and blog postings are to be expected until I am settled again.
I am currently between permanent living spaces and relying on local coffee shops with wireless internet access. The dial-up at my parents' home is so painfully slow that it takes me ten minutes just to access my e-mail, so long delays in response time and blog postings are to be expected until I am settled again.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Move Almost Complete
The moving is almost finished with. I am happy that it is almost over with but feeling ambivalent in other areas. Part of me feels defeated and shaken from having my life gutted and reduced like this. The other part of me feels relieved because it is another chapter of my life over with and it signals a new beginning.
One of the things that keeps me grounded right now is the remembrance of other people who have been forcibly uprooted in other parts of the world: families, towns, entire ethnic groups who are/were coerced into leaving their homes without any prior notice and no means of taking their possessions with them. There is no reason for me to whine about what I am going through. At least I had a couple weeks to haphazardly prepare for this and I still own most of what I have worked hard for. I am lucky by comparison.
This life has been long overdue for a serious shakeup. Traditionally, times of insecurity and fluctuation have been unpleasant and stressful, but they've also forced me to reevaluate my situation and turn the time of change into a turning point leading to deeper meaning and better things in life. "A door closing frequently signals the opening of another." I mourn for my old life, the quiet predictability and security of being the king of my own domain, but I am relieved that I have less to maintain and worry about for the time being. I feel like it is time to focus on strengthening my existing talents as well as the connection with my family & friends. It also feels like the time for seeking out new skills and perspectives. I do not know what the future is bringing but I will accept it and take it as it comes, looking for the opportunity to create something good from it.
One of the things that keeps me grounded right now is the remembrance of other people who have been forcibly uprooted in other parts of the world: families, towns, entire ethnic groups who are/were coerced into leaving their homes without any prior notice and no means of taking their possessions with them. There is no reason for me to whine about what I am going through. At least I had a couple weeks to haphazardly prepare for this and I still own most of what I have worked hard for. I am lucky by comparison.
This life has been long overdue for a serious shakeup. Traditionally, times of insecurity and fluctuation have been unpleasant and stressful, but they've also forced me to reevaluate my situation and turn the time of change into a turning point leading to deeper meaning and better things in life. "A door closing frequently signals the opening of another." I mourn for my old life, the quiet predictability and security of being the king of my own domain, but I am relieved that I have less to maintain and worry about for the time being. I feel like it is time to focus on strengthening my existing talents as well as the connection with my family & friends. It also feels like the time for seeking out new skills and perspectives. I do not know what the future is bringing but I will accept it and take it as it comes, looking for the opportunity to create something good from it.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Possible Hiatus???
Due to the impending temporary living situation mentioned in the previous post. I may not be able to blog or check my e-mail on any sort of predictable schedule, it will most likely be infrequent. If this blog seems to go dead for a while, I've simply put it into suspended animation until I am in a living situation that is at least semi-permanent. Bless you all and wish me luck with moving ;-).
Sunday, October 28, 2007
KABLAM!!!
I'm sorry that my blogging is so sporadic lately (yeah yeah, I have made this apology several times over the past year for various reasons). Life has blown up in my face and I am frantically rushing around trying to pack it all in again... literally. My (former) landlord has lost the building my apartment is in to foreclosure, and my status as a flawless tenant means squat to the default loan company who now possesses my residence. This has been my home for four years and I will need to be out by this Saturday. One of my best friends also tried to commit suicide the other day and he was almost successful. Thankfully he was rescued in time and is now getting the help and counseling he needs. I've been handling some of his affairs and visiting him as frequently as possible in the midst of all this frantic packing. I'm praying for him and wishing the best for him and his family. There is also a certain level of detachment at this point which is helping me to deal with what is on my plate right now. A few months ago I started having a foreboding feeling that my strength and focus would be put to the test at some point soon; time to dig in my heels and take the bull by the horns again.
A positive side to what I am going through: My parents and I had a family sit-down while on vacation in August. Having felt strongly that our family was on a collision course with permanent division and strife; as gently and considerately as possible, I called my parents on the carpet for some of their past and current mistakes, pleading for more cohesion in the family and a change in the way that we deal with each other. I am not meaning to vilify them in my blog, they are only human and all of us make mistakes. One of my loved ones who was present thinks that I "let into" my Dad, but I actually choked back the vicious side of me that wanted to spew venom about some of the shortcomings which have caused me a lot of pain over the years. I have learned that allowing my hurtful, raging ego out of it's cage can never result in anything positive in the long term.
As a result of all this, the whole family is now making a sincere effort to be more tactful and kind to each other, which is bringing us all closer. Also, this has enabled me to see my parents in a more forgiving light. I would initially have had reservations about staying with them for a short while due to my sudden change in living situation (this point will become more clear when my essay is posted), but now I feel much more comfortable about being in their household. The peacemaker role is new to me and even if it puts me in difficult positions, it has so far made me a stronger, better person and I welcome the opportunity to act as a balancing force where there is discord.
A positive side to what I am going through: My parents and I had a family sit-down while on vacation in August. Having felt strongly that our family was on a collision course with permanent division and strife; as gently and considerately as possible, I called my parents on the carpet for some of their past and current mistakes, pleading for more cohesion in the family and a change in the way that we deal with each other. I am not meaning to vilify them in my blog, they are only human and all of us make mistakes. One of my loved ones who was present thinks that I "let into" my Dad, but I actually choked back the vicious side of me that wanted to spew venom about some of the shortcomings which have caused me a lot of pain over the years. I have learned that allowing my hurtful, raging ego out of it's cage can never result in anything positive in the long term.
As a result of all this, the whole family is now making a sincere effort to be more tactful and kind to each other, which is bringing us all closer. Also, this has enabled me to see my parents in a more forgiving light. I would initially have had reservations about staying with them for a short while due to my sudden change in living situation (this point will become more clear when my essay is posted), but now I feel much more comfortable about being in their household. The peacemaker role is new to me and even if it puts me in difficult positions, it has so far made me a stronger, better person and I welcome the opportunity to act as a balancing force where there is discord.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Undone
"The whole point of getting things done is knowing what to leave undone." -Oswald Chambers . . .file under the category of 'Sage Advice Which Has Come In Handy Lately'.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Latest Mewziq
A couple of great musical delights I've been into lately:
Pink Floyd - The Division Bell: A friend of mine burned me a copy and I was so impressed with it that I actually went out and purchased a used album from Amazon. I can't believe that it has taken me this long to experience this CD; it is probably one of their most under-rated albums. Yeah, everyone has listened to Dark Side of The Moon and while it IS brilliant as well as being one of their most popular, solid albums, Division Bell has great lyrics and a distinct emotional ambiance which I feel sets it apart from their other work. It has a slightly melancholy feel with some uplifting moments and an heir of departure & finality to it. Below is a Youtube video of a live performance of my favorite song off this album, Coming Back To Life. I connected very intimately with this particular song because it describes the realizations and struggles I have been through on multiple levels in the past year.
The Rankin Family - North Country: I've heard them off and on doing bluegrassy folk tunes, often with an Irish flavor in VPR's lineup. I enjoyed what I've heard so far and after seeing this CD for sale at a local thrift store for $2.75 , figured it would be more than worth the price. A few of the tracks are a tad hokey, with a sappy-fake folk ballad feel to them, but I still liked most of the other songs. Click here to listen to the signature song from this album (my favorite). Here is a (non-embeddable) youtube video of another good song from this CD, Rise Again.
Pink Floyd - The Division Bell: A friend of mine burned me a copy and I was so impressed with it that I actually went out and purchased a used album from Amazon. I can't believe that it has taken me this long to experience this CD; it is probably one of their most under-rated albums. Yeah, everyone has listened to Dark Side of The Moon and while it IS brilliant as well as being one of their most popular, solid albums, Division Bell has great lyrics and a distinct emotional ambiance which I feel sets it apart from their other work. It has a slightly melancholy feel with some uplifting moments and an heir of departure & finality to it. Below is a Youtube video of a live performance of my favorite song off this album, Coming Back To Life. I connected very intimately with this particular song because it describes the realizations and struggles I have been through on multiple levels in the past year.
The Rankin Family - North Country: I've heard them off and on doing bluegrassy folk tunes, often with an Irish flavor in VPR's lineup. I enjoyed what I've heard so far and after seeing this CD for sale at a local thrift store for $2.75 , figured it would be more than worth the price. A few of the tracks are a tad hokey, with a sappy-fake folk ballad feel to them, but I still liked most of the other songs. Click here to listen to the signature song from this album (my favorite). Here is a (non-embeddable) youtube video of another good song from this CD, Rise Again.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Recent Happenings
I've been feeling a bit bedraggled lately, but continue to press on. There is a lot of drama going on all around me and several of my friends are in the middle of a time of crisis. I do what I can to help and it does feel good to be able to see them through the tough times, but sometimes I wonder if I allow myself to get too close. One of my long-running shortcomings has been in carrying others through bad times instead of stepping back a bit and walking beside them while letting them learn how to carry themselves. It brings to mind the saying "Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, you feed him for life." I have a hard time striking a balance between giving too much, giving too little, and finding precisely what to give. I need to keep remembering that I am only human and our lives are an art which we are continually perfecting.
I just finished reading a copy of Running With Scissors lent to me by a coworker. All I will say is that it is both hilarious and horrifying, mostly due to the fact that it is based on true events in someone's life. At my sister's urging, I've finally dug into the boxed set of The Chronicles of Narnia which I purchased back in early August. I am already on The Silver Chair (fourth book). I read parts of The Chronicles back in third or fourth grade as an assignment and due to the nature of the assignment, I hated the books at the time. Now I love them and find them to be a great mental vacation as well as spiritual/emotional soul food. As I've likely said many times before, I am thankful for my sister. She is very well-versed in literature and always seems to know what readings to recommend to me when I am feeling depressed or worn out.
A while back, my friends P and R hooked me up with copies of Wonder Falls and I watched the final episode last night. It had many common themes and the same general feel as Dead Like Me (not coincidental due to the two shows having a producer in common). Speaking of TV, I just read an article in a local paper where the folks in a housing development are up in arms about their cable TV rates being raised because of the recent Comcast takeover in my community. I can understand people being annoyed because of large rate increases on any utility, but what surprised me is the sense of entitlement with which they expressed their anger. Some seem to think that cable is a Divinely bestowed right and a necessity. OK, so maybe I am a little biased... I've not had any sort of paid TV programming package for over three years now because I couldn't justify paying $50 a month for a stripped package that did not come with any of the channels I wanted to see, and I DEFINITELY couldn't justify paying over $90 just to watch nature shows and historical documentaries. Not to mention the fact that my TV watching averages less than a half hour a day. I occasionally go weeks without watching any at all. TV programming has it's place, but real life is far more interesting and fulfilling than a passive, vicarious existence in front of a screen.
I just finished reading a copy of Running With Scissors lent to me by a coworker. All I will say is that it is both hilarious and horrifying, mostly due to the fact that it is based on true events in someone's life. At my sister's urging, I've finally dug into the boxed set of The Chronicles of Narnia which I purchased back in early August. I am already on The Silver Chair (fourth book). I read parts of The Chronicles back in third or fourth grade as an assignment and due to the nature of the assignment, I hated the books at the time. Now I love them and find them to be a great mental vacation as well as spiritual/emotional soul food. As I've likely said many times before, I am thankful for my sister. She is very well-versed in literature and always seems to know what readings to recommend to me when I am feeling depressed or worn out.
A while back, my friends P and R hooked me up with copies of Wonder Falls and I watched the final episode last night. It had many common themes and the same general feel as Dead Like Me (not coincidental due to the two shows having a producer in common). Speaking of TV, I just read an article in a local paper where the folks in a housing development are up in arms about their cable TV rates being raised because of the recent Comcast takeover in my community. I can understand people being annoyed because of large rate increases on any utility, but what surprised me is the sense of entitlement with which they expressed their anger. Some seem to think that cable is a Divinely bestowed right and a necessity. OK, so maybe I am a little biased... I've not had any sort of paid TV programming package for over three years now because I couldn't justify paying $50 a month for a stripped package that did not come with any of the channels I wanted to see, and I DEFINITELY couldn't justify paying over $90 just to watch nature shows and historical documentaries. Not to mention the fact that my TV watching averages less than a half hour a day. I occasionally go weeks without watching any at all. TV programming has it's place, but real life is far more interesting and fulfilling than a passive, vicarious existence in front of a screen.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Too Early for Alzheimer's
Yet again, somebody I have no recollection of walked up to me in the grocery store today and greeted me as if we have been acquainted for a long time. This has been happening, on average, 3-6 times a month for the past few years. Someone crosses my path and they seem to know me very well, offering personal details that a casual stranger would not know, yet I've not the slightest inkling who the heck they are. Most times they don't even look remotely familiar and often they talk about discussions we apparently had where the subject matter, wording, and focus sounds just like something I would say. Sometimes I am able to place them. The rest of the time it is a bit unnerving but at least I've gotten really good at politely faking familiarity because I don't want them to feel bad or unmemorable. I know I partied hard in my late teens but DANG!! I don't think I partied THAT hard!!!
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Dreams Pt. 1
I was discussing the significance of dreams with my good friend Pasha a while back... also the flawed logic in some of those formulaic dream interpretation books which give somewhat archetypal definitions to various objects and characters in dreams, the limitations of this thinking being human individuality and the fact that not all objects and characters have the same significance or implied meaning for all people. Id Est, a wheelbarrow appearing in a dream might be a symbol of oppression and distress because one has to use it every day for back-breaking labor, while another person might be a recreational gardener and regard it as a useful tool for a pleasant, relaxing hobby. This also relates to an e-mail exchange I've been having with my sister lately, discussing the progression of themes within my own dreams over the years, what these experiences have taught me and how they relate to my current life struggles. I've not been one to assign much meaning to dreams until lately. There is a weird dichotomy of mysticism and literalism coming forth in my life. Surprisingly, they seem to get along well.
A few years ago my dreams frequently involved fearfully running away from something that terrified me, always with that hobbled feeling like you are trying to run through deep mud or have an anchor tied to your waist. I don't recall precisely what kind of creature my pursuer was, but in one of the dreams I turned around and faced it, telling it that I was sick of running, that I accepted whatever it was that it was going to do to me and I reached out to embrace it. Then it disappeared, I woke up, and haven't had any more dreams like that. Then the general theme changed to searching, always searching for something, usually an unknown but sometimes a well-defined goal, person, or object. I don't recall what the ultimate goal was throughout this series of dreams, but I remember finding it and the general theme changed again. Now I find myself having unusual abilities and/or perspectives in these dreams. It usually involves flying, breathing underwater, reading minds, or something completely unhuman. Sometimes I'm scared and apprehensive, other times it thrills me.
Ever since I can remember, I've had unusually random dreams interspersed among the ones that I can make sense of. There is a difference in these now too. Instead of being a bit disturbed by these dreams and resisting them, now I just enjoy the silliness and flow with it. I think that having worked with Alzheimer's patients as well as folks who are developmentally handicapped or mentally ill has helped to change this perspective over the years. The dreams and real life are the same in this case. I learned a while ago that instead of resisting the madness around you, trying to change it all at once, walk through the middle of it: changing, helping, and tweaking things wherever you can.... if possible helping to prop up those who have been knocked down by it, remembering to keep a firm footing so that it does not lash out and pull you down again.
I had a particularly vivid dream lately which gave me a lot to think about, as well as bringing a further measure of peace in my life. I have already described it to my sister because it bears a lesson that has meaning for both of us and I may or may not share it here at some point in the future. I am not certain of how my dreams relate to real life, but they have drawn a lot of very close parallels in recent years. I question if the underlying significance of these dreams is mirroring my reality, or if I am subconsciously patterning my life after what I take away from these dreams. Do one's life and dreams feed off of each other in equal measure? Is it fair to even make such an evaluation because the parameters within these two worlds are so different? I am no psychologist and definitely not an expert in dream interpretation. Maybe this is just another example of me getting distracted and over-analyzing something that should just be put away for now.
A few years ago my dreams frequently involved fearfully running away from something that terrified me, always with that hobbled feeling like you are trying to run through deep mud or have an anchor tied to your waist. I don't recall precisely what kind of creature my pursuer was, but in one of the dreams I turned around and faced it, telling it that I was sick of running, that I accepted whatever it was that it was going to do to me and I reached out to embrace it. Then it disappeared, I woke up, and haven't had any more dreams like that. Then the general theme changed to searching, always searching for something, usually an unknown but sometimes a well-defined goal, person, or object. I don't recall what the ultimate goal was throughout this series of dreams, but I remember finding it and the general theme changed again. Now I find myself having unusual abilities and/or perspectives in these dreams. It usually involves flying, breathing underwater, reading minds, or something completely unhuman. Sometimes I'm scared and apprehensive, other times it thrills me.
Ever since I can remember, I've had unusually random dreams interspersed among the ones that I can make sense of. There is a difference in these now too. Instead of being a bit disturbed by these dreams and resisting them, now I just enjoy the silliness and flow with it. I think that having worked with Alzheimer's patients as well as folks who are developmentally handicapped or mentally ill has helped to change this perspective over the years. The dreams and real life are the same in this case. I learned a while ago that instead of resisting the madness around you, trying to change it all at once, walk through the middle of it: changing, helping, and tweaking things wherever you can.... if possible helping to prop up those who have been knocked down by it, remembering to keep a firm footing so that it does not lash out and pull you down again.
I had a particularly vivid dream lately which gave me a lot to think about, as well as bringing a further measure of peace in my life. I have already described it to my sister because it bears a lesson that has meaning for both of us and I may or may not share it here at some point in the future. I am not certain of how my dreams relate to real life, but they have drawn a lot of very close parallels in recent years. I question if the underlying significance of these dreams is mirroring my reality, or if I am subconsciously patterning my life after what I take away from these dreams. Do one's life and dreams feed off of each other in equal measure? Is it fair to even make such an evaluation because the parameters within these two worlds are so different? I am no psychologist and definitely not an expert in dream interpretation. Maybe this is just another example of me getting distracted and over-analyzing something that should just be put away for now.
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