Revisiting A Bully

While rereading and ruminating about this post, I recalled a wonderful, healing experience that happened a couple months ago.

I was working my usual shift and a well-kept man about my age came in and circulated around in my department... eyeballing me curiously. He approached me and asked me for assistance. After talking to him for a couple minutes and giving him the answers he was after, he asked me if my name was (real name). He then asked if I recognized him at all. I did not. As it turns out, he was one of the bullies I mentioned previously. He said, "I've been wanting to tell you how sorry I am for the way I treated you back in school. It was wrong of me...."

We had been pre-teens in a backwards country school with terrible administrators who did very little about problem behaviors at the time. Bullying complaints were not taken seriously, even those involving damage to property & physical harm. It was all chocked up to "kids being kids." Regardless of the his abusive tendencies (learned behavior from home) I still remembered him often since those years and worried about what might have happened to him as a result of the bad influences in his life. He was an intelligent kid, but also one who unknowingly wore his damage where everyone could see it; an angry little boy, sickly on many levels and it was easy to tell that some nasty things were happening to him outside of school.

I told him that I understood why he had been like that and he was forgiven. The guy has seen some horrors in his lifetime yet he still turned out OK! This whole experience blindsided me in the best possible way, leaving me glowing and teary-eyed. The kid came to terms with it all and became a better man! Moments like these are what I need to hold onto, keeping alive my faith in the future and a positive direction for our species.

Yet again I come full circle in some fashion. No matter how many times you go around before, the experience always changes; bringing something newer and better than the last time. Giving up on healing past hurts does not mean that life no longer wants you to have the cure for them. The sardonic realist side of my personality used to whisper in my ear that this stuff only happens in movies, never in every-day life. The cynicism is still there, but it gets quieter and less prominent as time passes. Forgiveness takes on new depth in my life, but there is still more to forgive, I'm working on it. Remember that sometimes when you give up seeking the answer, the answer seeks you out and dumps itself in your lap.

Clowny Clown Clown!!!

Ummm, I'm not going to try to explain this video or make any excuses for it because I just can't! If you have any taste for absurdity or abstractism, it will probably hurt your mind but make you want to go back and watch it at least once more. (Or it might make you close the browser window and curl up on the floor in the fetal position.) I am not responsible for any effect this may have on your mental health.


I was told that the dapper gentleman in this video is Crispin Glover in his early days of acting, when he was making forays into the world of abstract art films and whatnot.

Nonsequitur = Idiot, Part 2 (possibly more of one than you originally thought)

Here are a few pictures of one of my parents' visitors; no zoom on the lense, I was literally five feet away. No, I was not terribly concerned. Yes, I had good running shoes on in case he did not enjoy having his portrait taken.

I believe this is the one my parents call "Boscoe." He is a bit larger than a great dane (and weighs in at a good three hundred pounds I'd guess).

He also has his own food bowl. I and other family members/friends have advised my parents that it is a very bad idea to get them used to being in proximity to humans, especially by teaching them to associate our species with food. I pray that this does not become an issue.


A hopeful sign: even though he allowed me to get really close to him, he still showed apprehension and flight tendencies whenever I made any sudden movements or approached too quickly. This indicates that he is still at least somewhat scared of humans, but if he was really hungry and a human was carrying food that smelled appetizing, who can really tell what would happen?

A snapping turtle (a bit larger than a soccer ball) I saw crossing the road not far from my house. Again, I did not use the zoom on this picture either. I've photographed other snappers before but they were quite agitated and never allowed me to get this close. He seemed very relaxed and indifferent to my presence....

...even when the camera lense was only twenty inches from his face.

I grew up around lots of wildlife and while I appreciate their beauty and their role in the ecosystem, there is also a healthy respect for the damage they are capable of. I don't advise getting this close to either of these creatures unless you are quite familiar with their body language, sometimes even that is no guarantee of safety (as many self-styled nature photographers with big scars could tell you).

Nonsequitur = Idiot

A couple months ago I bought a nice, big, brand-new chainsaw because there were a bunch of trees planted in bad places around my property (threatening to fall on the house, all over the leech field, too close together in haphazard rows). I jumped the chain last week due to improper tension and after an hour or so of filing & reconditioning the drive teeth I got it put back together and it seemed to be running normally; except it was not cutting very well at all. All it would do was slowly cut a groove in the wood and start smoking like mad. I tried everything I knew: lubricating all moving parts, sharpening the teeth repeatedly, repositioning the bar, adjusting the tension, etc... all to no avail. After two days of troubleshooting I got disgusted with it and tossed it in the shed with the intention of taking it to a specialist who works on them. I dug it back out the other day with the intention of taking it to the specialist but I decided attempt troubleshooting once more. It was still doing the same thing no matter what I did and as I exasperatedly shut off the engine I noticed something odd about the chain as it came to a stop... I had put it on backwards. Why don't I ever check the most obvious things first??!!

Uninvited Guest

Nothing enhances the ambiance of your recently-purchased cottage in the country like waking up in the morning and finding MUDDY PAW PRINTS IN YOUR BATHTUB.... paw prints which do not belong to your own cats or any other domesticated animal. Oh yeah, and then there are the raccoons fighting underneath your bedroom in the wee hours of the morning as well as getting into your recycling bins. I do believe it is time to purchase some chicken wire to skirt the house with!

Mea Culpa

"Why so long between posts?," you may ask. I have been busy from dawn 'til dusk since the last time I posted here. Every day I've been covered with sawdust, mud, grease, soot and probable toxins. The home I've purchased needs a lot of man hours to make it a pleasant living environment. Am I complaining? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! This has been just the thing to spring me out of the rut I've been in for the last few years. Even though the place is a dump I still feel fortunate to have it. The house will not be in any condition to receive company for months. I am trying to keep my mind focused on the end product of my efforts in order to stay motivated.

The previous owners left me enough cleaning products, shampoo, conditioner, and skin lotion to last a decade. On top of that I've found no less than 20 cans of bug spray in various locations in the house. I guess they really disliked bugs. They also apparently had an OCD-type of fetish for scotch tape because they put it on EVERYTHING!!!!... wrapping container covers with it, the wallpaper seams, tying together clothes hangers with it... and that's just the tip of the iceberg... I even found a set of brass butterfly windchimes on a mobile and every component of it was taped to the wall behind the kitchen curtains. My camera is still with my sister and I will post pics as soon as I receive it.

Container gardening has been my idle pursuit between major household projects. Nothing fancy or extensive this year... just some tomatoes, peppers, basil, marigolds, and whatever I've been managing to scrape together from the native plant offerings. This year will be the time to discover and mentally catalog all the various half-wild perennials & herbs in the neglected flowerbeds, next year will be the year for intensive shoveling, dividing, replanting and generally more intensive gardening on a much larger scale. I would like to preserve most of the species that currently exist on the property, but they will need to be moved and organized better. So far I've found: peonies, rhubarb, some bizarrely-monstrous species of mint, more irises than I'll ever be able to pick, day lilies, lilacs (purples and whites), rhododendrons, azaleas, hostas, comfrey, astilbe, lysimachia (creeping jenny), daffodils, narcissus, tulips, periwinkle, and the list goes on.

AGAIN, MY APOLOGIES TO EVERYONE WHO HAS WRITTEN TO ME WITHOUT REPLY!!! My internet access is severely limited right now. I only get to check e-mail once a week lately and access from my house is currently slower than cold molasses.

WOOO-HOOOOOO!!!!!!

I AM NOW MARRIED!!!.......



........to a 30-year mortgage that is!

That's right folks, I am now officially a home-owner!!!!

I've finally fulfilled my dream of purchasing a fixer-upper cottage in the country and boy do I ever have my work cut out for me! There are some who would consider the place borderline condemnable, but I've seen far worse homes brought back from the brink of disuse and demolition. The elderly couple who lived in it haven't been able to take care of it for a while and I am facing a lot of repairs.

The current challenge is in getting all of the old stuff they didn't want out of the house and distributed where it can be re-used and/or recycled. But not everything they left behind is total junk.... among some of the useful and/or saleable objects they left behind are: an old singer sewing machine table (the kind operated with a foot tredle, I'm definitely keeping it), an old wood xylophone I found behind the dresser, a large electric pottery kiln (selling it), a late 70s (or early 80s?) model trailer mobile home that was left on the property, and a bazillion different useful tools and whatnot. I will be deconstructing the trailer and using the materials to fix up the main house. People keep telling me that I should scrap the main house and fix up the trailer instead... but I like older homes that have character and history in them. Besides, the main house stands to last longer than the trailer if it is repaired properly.

Time to break out the tools, dig in my heels and put down roots where I have been planted! I am excited to say the least!

Pictures of the good and the bad are forthcoming within the next week. I am intending to keep a working photographic chronicle of the fixing-up process my new home!

My apologies to all of those who have written to me and are awaiting replies. I've been extraordinarily busy and my phone line is not turned on yet, thus the only access I have to the internet is when I occasionally have the time to come into cafes or libraries with wifi.

Oddness Abounds...

I FINALLY HAVE A NEW CAR... YAAAAAY! That's not the odd part though... The middle-aged man whom my parents saw riding down the street on a bmx bicycle, with a quiver of arrows on his back, a thick & flowing beard, and a motorcycle helmet with an antenna sticking out the top... that might be part of it... or maybe the woman who waylaid my coworker with an extended diatribe about how all chronic masturbators should be locked up.... or maybe it's the man who wants to keep tropical fish in his outdoor pond in northern New England and insists that they can be kept in cold water if you feed them the right food... oh, and let's not forget the guy who thinks there is a conspiracy between the government, the religious community, and the medical community to conceal the fact that homosexuality is actually spread by pathogens (I'm pretty sure he also mentioned something about the neo-nazis being involved too)... life around here not dull very often.

Candid pic of my friend J (used by permission) demonstrating the potential of abandoned shopping carts as furniture.

2008 Subaru Impreza 2.5i Wagon
It is bad luck for a captain to pilot a ship with no name, so she is now known as "MATILDA"!

Hike To Gunnison Lake & Mt. Sunapee

Thursday was my day off so I decided to go on one of my long, rambling walkabouts (gee, I hope Australians aren't the only ones allowed to use that term). It is a form of walking meditation; helping me to iron out my priorities and recenter myself spiritually.

The map below details my approximate route which spanned seven hours, two towns and almost every type of terrain common to this area of New England. The experience ranged from falling into mud-holes through frozen snow, to scratching up my legs in dense underbrush, crossing a waist-deep freezing river, climbing 50 feet up a maple tree to figure out where the heck I was, viewing a beautiful panorama of the surrounding area from the top deck of the closed-down ski lodge on top of the mountain and on bare-soled sneakers skiing down slopes which had just been in use two days previously. I killed the soles on my old shoes and thought it curious that I never fell once (I fall frequently when actually wearing skis). I met my parents at the base lodge and we went out for pizza. Along the way there were abandoned shacks, partridges flying up in my face, bridges of questionable design & stability, and a cast-0ff crutch on the side of one of the trails. What a day. All pictures are in order of appearance on the trip.

Goshen/Sunapee NH area (click for a more detailed view)

Trails ranging from mixed mud & icy snow...

...to snowy & slick.

Gunnison Lake (aka "The Goshen Ocean") with Mt. Sunapee in the background

Random trailer/hunting camp(?) in the middle of nowhere, literally 2-3 miles from the nearest road.

Should have listened to the little voice telling me that it was a stupid idea to wear low-ankle sneakers.

Some of the trails were washed-out

Falling-down shack in the middle of nowhere on the back side of Mt. Sunapee. The dimensions would indicate that it's primary use may have been for a hermit with an ascetic lifestyle or a temporary camping retreat for a single person. Just enough room for one to lie down in with a small stove and a backback. It measured about 9 ft. by 4 ft. and was just under 6 ft. high.

The stove was sitting outside the entrance, mostly rusted into the ground.

It was high enough that the trees near the top were very short, most of them looking to be 5+ decades old yet less than 15 feet tall.

Cell tower and lodge at the top.

Distant view of Gunnison Lake

Closer detail.

Ski lift

I found the severity of the language in this disclaimer enough to prevent me from taking this trail.

Lake Sunapee at the top right and Little Sunapee to the left

Awesome name for a trail!

GOD BLESS CONCORD GROUP!!!!

Pertaining to my major car issue mentioned in the last post: my local insurance center has me insured through Concord Group. I decided to see if my comprehensive coverage would sufficiently offset this problem so I filed a claim. Not only did they come through for me with the full Kelley Blue Book value for my car, they even paid the bill for diagnosing the problem. I had been reticent about filing a claim because of the horror stories I've heard from friends who got into accidents or had their cars totaled in some fashion. I was envisioning having to haggle with the claims agent and possibly having to settle for a couple thousand less than what I should be entitled to in addition to having my insurance costs rise dramatically as a result. All I can say is that I am exceedingly pleased and thankful for the low-stress solution which was handed to me in the middle of a high stress situation.

What I See and Do Lately

A beauteous and detailed cross-stitch that my coworker & friend D made over the winter. She chose a wonderful frame and matting color to showcase it as well.

Detailed view of said cross-stitch.

My friend P and I went out and visited the old covered railroad bridges again (previously mentioned in this post). This gives a good perspective on the size of the entrance to the bridge, large enough for an old steam-engine train with a stack to pass through. (P, I blurred your face because I forgot to ask your permission to post your image).

Close-up of the texture of a favia (aka: pineapple or moon) brain coral at work.

Close-up of a sun polyp coral at work.

So I could proceed to whine about my car having broken down... as in TOTALED because the wiring harness decided to have a complete meltdown, fusing to the frame and melting through the floorboard in some spots. It all happened while I was driving and caused a scene that will make an amusing story in a few months (or years), but I am too annoyed to find it humorous right now. It was only a 2001 Ford Focus and it had just 71,000 miles on it. I was good to that car; keeping up on repairs & maintenance. My plan was to run it another couple of years to further enjoy the "cinderella period" (when a car is paid off but not yielding major troubles yet) before needing to trade up to another vehicle, but I guess this was not meant to be. I feel torn because I really want to get another Focus and support Ford (it's one of the few American car companies with fairly progressive, inclusive initiatives in place in it's facilities), but I am also very soured by this experience as well as the Focus' general track record on the Consumer Reports website.

On the GOOD NEWS front it looks like I will be a home owner soon! Nothing further to say yet because the deal is not cinched and the current owners are still waiting to get into another residence, but it is looking more hopeful than it was a few weeks ago!

Alive and Busy

Yeah, I'm still alive and still very busy! I'm in the process of purchasing a home in Cornish, NH... The last place I was looking at in Acworth was in need of too much work and asking price was not worth it after the counter-offers from other interested parties, yet it must have been worth it to someone because of their high counter-offer. C'est la vie! The place I am looking at now has a bit less acreage than I originally wanted and the house is a bit shabby, in need of extensive work, but it is still in fair condition and the selling price is extremely low. The folks currently occupying it are a nice elderly couple who can not live alone for much longer and need to unload the property quickly. I have finally been approved for a mortgage loan and I am still waiting to hear back from the property appraisers. Keeping my fingers crossed (again).

Ping-Pong!

OFFER!
COUNTER-OFFER!
COUNTER-COUNTER-OFFER!
VOLLEYED SHOT FALLING OFF THE SIDE OF THE TABLE!

Piffle! I don't like playing realtors' games, but it's a necessary evil I suppose. Still hanging in there, submitting a final, non-negotiable offer soon, we will see... knock on wood and hope for the best outcome... whatever is meant to be. I think I will know where it all stands by the end of next week.

Random quote I read the other day and liked:
"Write to be understood, speak to be heard, read to grow." -Lawrence Clark Powell

Wonderment

The last half decade has been a time of questioning, probing, growing, loss, grief, and further growth built upon these things; much as it is for many others. The complexity of it all continues to amaze me; the flow of life, the pattern of thought, how one thing leads on to another, epiphanies giving rise to further insights which are paradoxically simplistic yet complex and refined, often leading to further questions and even deeper understandings. It is much like the visual representation of pi above. It loops in upon itself infinitely, refining itself to a seemingly invisible end, at least invisible to the naked eye, after that one can close their eyes and imagine refinement to the molecular and subatomic scales. (Pi, the movie also makes reference to this concept.)

This fascination may also explain why I enjoy allegory, symbolism, analogy, and metaphor so much. They use a simplistic representation to make a seemingly complex set of parameters more accessible, and human curiosity leads us to explore them deeper. If we are brave enough to indulge this tendency in a wise fashion, it is one of the qualities which refines our person and keeps us active and living, leading to purer, higher forms of thought and a greater closeness with The Divine. The term "work in progress" may seem over-used but are we truly allowing ourselves the curiosity and fortitude to be precisely that?

Hmmm... speaking of which, I just finished reading Till We Have Faces, another work by C.S. Lewis. If you have read any of his work in the spirit that it was written, maybe you understand why my thought processes dwell in their current form. Lewis' work is a breath of fresh air in the middle of a seemingly dark political and religious landscape. At the very least it gives a lot of food for thought on what it means to be human and exist with all the troubles and hard questions which are thrown our way. My thanks goes out yet again to my sister and several friends who turned me on to his writings.

YAY!

I FINALLY got pre-approved for a mortgage; currently in the process of negotiating on a seemingly nice property in a VERY rural town near by! It is a small fixer-upper cottage on 5.5 acres on the side of a mountain ridge line. I will not talk any more about it for now because the deal is not in the bag yet. We will see what happens. It looks good, but I'm praying for the door to close if it isn't meant to be. This is a major life decision and it is stressing me out a bit. If everything goes well and my final offer is accepted I can expect to spend the next month repeatedly jumping through hoops like a trained circus poodle: orchestrating contractors for inspection, dewinterizing, plumbing, ad infinitum... oh yeah, and let's not forget MOUNTAINS OF PAPERWORK! But oh will it ever be worth it in the end! (?)

Random Stories With A Common Thread

Recent quiet times and meditations have yielded a lot of retrospective comparison and learning from some strange and unpleasant memories. Lately, whenever I sit down and quiet my mind... in meeting, outdoors while I am hiking/cross-country skiing, commuting to work... I keep casting the line out and when I reel it back in, there is my past, prior modes of thinking and how things have changed over the years and I examine the evolution that has taken place, the cause and effect. I am dissecting and further understanding the discoveries which have given rise to different ways of thinking, new understandings and further questions on top of those. It is a lot to juggle but this all has it's purpose.

A month ago I started going to the gym again. The human body is fascinating and it amazes me how quickly it can change and adapt to it's current use. I miss physical activity and striving for better health. I also suspect I will not need this supplement to my daily routine when I eventually have my own land to work, wood to harvest for winter heat, a garden to tend, and vast hiking trail networks around the wide open spaces surrounding the place I can call home. For now it seems to be my lot to look inward and keep building up the inside while honing the outside. It feels like a preparation for what is to come.

Back in my late teens, I started a rigid fitness regimen which might have been comparable to the training routine of a special ops marine. Throughout most of my later school years I was one of the awkward fat kids who got picked on for my weight and social ineptness. On top of being closeted back then, these were two attributes which amplified each other.

When I committed to becoming lean and mean, I became TOO lean and VERY mean. I began to stare through people instead of looking at them. Everyone was regarded on the basis of how threatening they were or weren't. While attending kick boxing classes, the bullies' voices were still ringing loudly and painfully in my head, so I would visualize their faces on the punching bag. One time I kicked it hard enough to take it off the chain, breaking the attachment ring and sending it halfway across the room. I am not bragging. I am ashamed and I am telling you that I was wrong. I always thought that I understood the trite bumper sticker quote that I see so often,"You are what you hate,"...suddenly it doesn't seem trite at all.

Since then I have run into some of the bullies who used to pick on me. Some could not look me in the eye. Most of them are not doing well; either in poor health or an unfavorable living situation. The ones who are truly happy are the ones who have changed their ways. The grapevine has lent the back story to some of their lives. Most of the stories were sad and littered with family problems and abuse. Bigger people hurt them, they hurt me, I hurt back and the war keeps going until someone walks away from it and forgives past trespasses. I forgive them. I now understand why some soldiers who come home from a war keep on experiencing it and fighting phantom opponents long after the battles are over. The fighting leaves them hollowed out, lacking hope and the will to reach for something better, desperately trying to reconnect with who they used to be. There are some who would tell me that I can't possibly know what it is like to be in the thick of battle, dealing with landmines, bullets, and all manner of threats. Regardless, I feel there are some apt comparisons and likenesses, especially on an emotional and spiritual level. How many of us have built our persona on a fighting mentality, only to find that it poisons our minds and leaves us more vulnerable? I never understood Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs until I saw how it played my own life and the lives of others. You can't move on to the next level until the basics are fulfilled. Struggling in survival mode is not conducive to higher human functioning.

One time, while I was out walking, there was a group of three men whom one could call stereotypical rednecks, along with the virulent homophobia. They had been drinking. I was cornered and threatened with bodily harm. In the scuffle, I sent two of them to the hospital with broken bones. No police showed up and no lawsuits were filed, I suspect they were not eager to bring more attention to the fact that a "*expletive* queer" who also happened to be smaller than them was able to get the upper hand and repel them with such prejudice. Conventional wisdom says that I was right to defend myself, but I know that I was wrong because I did not even attempt to talk them down or take them on a peaceable, intellectual level. Knowing what I do now, I think this would have been possible if not probable. I took away emotional injuries from that experience which I think were worse than the physical ones they sustained. If I met any of these men again today, I would ask for forgiveness. This is what happens to a person when they begin to base their identity on a characteristic which breeds violence, fear, and an aversion to open communication. It still hurts and it still reminds me of what I never want to happen again.

The gym routine continued at a suicide pace and in my early twenties I became so thin that my health began to deteriorate and this spawned rumors of AIDS. It was time for a change. I ended up breaking down on many levels, but I rebuilt myself. Now I have come full circle. In my late twenties I am enjoying feeling strong and able again. I like to stretch, relax, and focus on a physical goal in the knowledge that I am lessening my chances of ill health, decreasing the chance that I will some day need major forms of life-saving intervention from the health care industry. At the same time I hope never to be thin enough that people think I am less than healthy. Again I am able to see those around me, with my past reminding me of what was, an intimidating yet enriching future ahead and I walk now with my eyes open, seeing the people around me again for the first time.

More Great Quotes

Gleaned from a recent magazine article, I can not remember who these words were attributed to:

"The richest person in the world... isn't the person who has the most, but the one who needs the least."

"...the real trick in life is to turn hindsight into foresight that reveals insight."

Booxez

I finally finished reading The Five People You Meet In Heaven , it was beautiful and very nourishing for the mind and spirit. I just finished watching the movie based on this book too. Well-directed and it did not leave out anything pertinent from the book.

Currently slogging through the rest of The Saint, Surfer, and CEO, it feels dry and I am experiencing a bit of guilt for not liking it as much as the other people I've known who thought it was profound.

In the spirit of wanting to revisit some of the classics, I just started slogging through Sense and Sensibility and there are now recurring memories of why I did not enjoy even the condensed version of it in high school. Maybe I am just not intellectual enough to connect with it or perhaps it is the fact that I need to crack a dictionary several times on each page to research disused English vocabulary words. Regardless, I doubt I will be finishing it.