Unpacking & Examining MMIX

Hmm... it went by more quickly than I expected. It was a year of changes and a year of extremes. It found me in the deepest anger I've felt in a long time, yet also the most reassurance and support that I've had in a long time. My method of dealing with said anger wasn't as graceful as it could have been but far more graceful than the person who I was five years ago would've handled it. This was the year that my faith in humanity truly began to gain momentum. There were many acts of Grace and friendship that I had the privilege of witnessing, not least of which was found in a number of friends who came through for me and helped me when I needed it the most. Matt, Murph, Brian, Sean, Meghan... I feel indebted to you for helping me as much as you did. I hope I can return the favor some day.

This year also took a couple of friends away from me due to drugs. Sad? Yes, but I've learned that it is pointless to beat my head against the wall with people who, so absorbed in their own pain, can't see what it is doing to them or those who care about them and are unwilling to get the professional help they need. Part of me feels a pang of regret for having walked away when they were at their worst, but it is also the part of me which wants to fix everyone and ultimately cripples me. I can't be doing that, it will only burn me out and leave me with little resources for repairing my own mind, body and Spirit when necessary. I've watched many past friends descend into squalor and ruin due to drugs and I just don't have it in me anymore to sit around and watch people commit slow suicide. It hurts too much. "But for the Grace of God", that could have been me at one time. Optimistically, I can say that some of those friends who fell into this dangerous cycle found a measure of strength and Grace, having crawled back out of the pit. Guys/Girls, you know who you are and you have no idea how proud I am of you. It takes a lot of personal strength and painful reduction of ego to seek help and bring yourself back to those who care. If the aforementioned two wake up and get help, I'll be there for them as always.

Though two are gone, I've also made friends with someone whom I'd never have envisioned being friends with and as such, have been reminded to humble myself and stop judging a book by it's cover. This was a person whom I thought lived by a code of survival and preemptive or reactionary punitive action, yet possesses tremendous depth, wisdom and peace. I've learned a lot from him, bettered myself because of him and hope that we can remain friends.

I once read a quote in a book of Quaker Faith & Practice which appropriately describes human history like a mural, when standing up close examining one particular, small section, one may appreciate and learn from it, but it is very difficult to tell what it's purpose is and how it relates to the rest of the picture. We gain much more insight when we back up and examine the whole picture, the farther away it gets from us, the more we see how it all fits together; so it is in human history and so it is in one's own life experience.

How do these things relate to my own life? The various hardships and tragedies which took me out for a few years are now further away. I see how they fit together and what good things they lead to and I am at peace with the outcome. I feel whole, calm again. Confused? This previous post explains it. I've forgiven Tim (called Tom in the previous post for the sake of respect because he was still alive then), still love and fondly remember the good side of him. I am at the point where I don't think about him most of the day, every day; maybe just once a week or less, and it is usually the good memories. Maybe I've mentioned it before and it sounds crazy, but he pops up now and then. I actually see him with my own eyes, always when I least expect it and am not thinking about him. He never says anything but he's always looking at me and smiling, sometimes laughing joyfully. The last time I saw him grinning at me, then disappearing into the trees on an off-trail hike... another time in a fish tank (of all the odd places, he did have a good sense of humor). Will he ever pop up again? Will he say something to me? It is neither here nor there. If it happens it will be interesting, but I am now beyond any need for closure. Yeah, I know for a fact that he's dead and I don't know if these fleeting images are the product of some self-preservationist, subconscious process meant to soothe me or if it's an actual spiritual encounter, whatever it is I can say I am at peace with him. He has rejoined with The Source and has moved on to a better existence, whatever that may be.

While I've lost the need for New Year's Resolutions as a crutch or a way of putting off what I should be doing right now... I still state my intentions for the sake of tradition:

1. Keep trying to be nicer and more understanding with people, having come a long way in this respect since last year there is still a long way to go.

2. Become more involved: with family, with Meeting,with my friends, with life in general. It feels like it is my time to do so after having a decade-long phase of being aloof and rambling around. I've been walking around inside my head far too much. While it leads to a lot of creative and ingenious ideas/projects, it also causes me to be asocial, neurotic and shifts my focus onto distractions instead of essentials for personal growth.

A man I know and respect once stated that "We begin life on a long arc... as a bundle of Spirit with potential and a path in front of us and our existence fades in the same way, with us as a vital bundle of Spirit, with more to give than when we arrived." It feels like my life is approaching the apex of this arc in the next few years. I no longer fear the rest of the journey or the act of dying, these things all happen as part of the big picture. There will be hardships & heartbreak, yet also joy, renewal and love. None of us knows for certain when our time will be up, so do what we can with what we have and live in a State of Grace, eh?

Random Stories With A Common Thread

Recent quiet times and meditations have yielded a lot of retrospective comparison and learning from some strange and unpleasant memories. Lately, whenever I sit down and quiet my mind... in meeting, outdoors while I am hiking/cross-country skiing, commuting to work... I keep casting the line out and when I reel it back in, there is my past, prior modes of thinking and how things have changed over the years and I examine the evolution that has taken place, the cause and effect. I am dissecting and further understanding the discoveries which have given rise to different ways of thinking, new understandings and further questions on top of those. It is a lot to juggle but this all has it's purpose.

A month ago I started going to the gym again. The human body is fascinating and it amazes me how quickly it can change and adapt to it's current use. I miss physical activity and striving for better health. I also suspect I will not need this supplement to my daily routine when I eventually have my own land to work, wood to harvest for winter heat, a garden to tend, and vast hiking trail networks around the wide open spaces surrounding the place I can call home. For now it seems to be my lot to look inward and keep building up the inside while honing the outside. It feels like a preparation for what is to come.

Back in my late teens, I started a rigid fitness regimen which might have been comparable to the training routine of a special ops marine. Throughout most of my later school years I was one of the awkward fat kids who got picked on for my weight and social ineptness. On top of being closeted back then, these were two attributes which amplified each other.

When I committed to becoming lean and mean, I became TOO lean and VERY mean. I began to stare through people instead of looking at them. Everyone was regarded on the basis of how threatening they were or weren't. While attending kick boxing classes, the bullies' voices were still ringing loudly and painfully in my head, so I would visualize their faces on the punching bag. One time I kicked it hard enough to take it off the chain, breaking the attachment ring and sending it halfway across the room. I am not bragging. I am ashamed and I am telling you that I was wrong. I always thought that I understood the trite bumper sticker quote that I see so often,"You are what you hate,"...suddenly it doesn't seem trite at all.

Since then I have run into some of the bullies who used to pick on me. Some could not look me in the eye. Most of them are not doing well; either in poor health or an unfavorable living situation. The ones who are truly happy are the ones who have changed their ways. The grapevine has lent the back story to some of their lives. Most of the stories were sad and littered with family problems and abuse. Bigger people hurt them, they hurt me, I hurt back and the war keeps going until someone walks away from it and forgives past trespasses. I forgive them. I now understand why some soldiers who come home from a war keep on experiencing it and fighting phantom opponents long after the battles are over. The fighting leaves them hollowed out, lacking hope and the will to reach for something better, desperately trying to reconnect with who they used to be. There are some who would tell me that I can't possibly know what it is like to be in the thick of battle, dealing with landmines, bullets, and all manner of threats. Regardless, I feel there are some apt comparisons and likenesses, especially on an emotional and spiritual level. How many of us have built our persona on a fighting mentality, only to find that it poisons our minds and leaves us more vulnerable? I never understood Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs until I saw how it played my own life and the lives of others. You can't move on to the next level until the basics are fulfilled. Struggling in survival mode is not conducive to higher human functioning.

One time, while I was out walking, there was a group of three men whom one could call stereotypical rednecks, along with the virulent homophobia. They had been drinking. I was cornered and threatened with bodily harm. In the scuffle, I sent two of them to the hospital with broken bones. No police showed up and no lawsuits were filed, I suspect they were not eager to bring more attention to the fact that a "*expletive* queer" who also happened to be smaller than them was able to get the upper hand and repel them with such prejudice. Conventional wisdom says that I was right to defend myself, but I know that I was wrong because I did not even attempt to talk them down or take them on a peaceable, intellectual level. Knowing what I do now, I think this would have been possible if not probable. I took away emotional injuries from that experience which I think were worse than the physical ones they sustained. If I met any of these men again today, I would ask for forgiveness. This is what happens to a person when they begin to base their identity on a characteristic which breeds violence, fear, and an aversion to open communication. It still hurts and it still reminds me of what I never want to happen again.

The gym routine continued at a suicide pace and in my early twenties I became so thin that my health began to deteriorate and this spawned rumors of AIDS. It was time for a change. I ended up breaking down on many levels, but I rebuilt myself. Now I have come full circle. In my late twenties I am enjoying feeling strong and able again. I like to stretch, relax, and focus on a physical goal in the knowledge that I am lessening my chances of ill health, decreasing the chance that I will some day need major forms of life-saving intervention from the health care industry. At the same time I hope never to be thin enough that people think I am less than healthy. Again I am able to see those around me, with my past reminding me of what was, an intimidating yet enriching future ahead and I walk now with my eyes open, seeing the people around me again for the first time.

Anger and The Peace Testimony: Posting Dichotomy

Warning: snarky bitchfest coming on..... So, I just got off the phone with another mortgage broker who told me the same thing as the other 3 I applied through. I can not get approved for any size mortgage on any property because I ,"have no credit history." You would think that having paid off three cars and a couple of educational loans as well as never being late on paying for insurance and utilities would count for something!!?? My parents and teachers at school brought me up on the belief that whenever you keep making payments on utilities or a loan on time and eventually pay it off, this reflects very favorably on your credit record and you are much more eligible for a mortgage. These beliefs were correct back in my school days. It seems that the rules have changed and I am now attempting to hit a moving target. Many of the folks I have talked to about this have now told me that you need to have at least a couple of credit cards in active use for over a year as well as some sort of loan being paid off for it to reflect positively on my credit report. Basically you have to be in debt in order to put yourself further into debt! How the heck does this make sense??!! It angers me because it reflects how corrupt our financial systems have become. Those of us who have been responsible with their debts have nothing to show for it because financial companies don't make as much money off of them as they do off of interest, late fees and balloon payments from people who use the system poorly. I am gaining a better understanding of why usury was either discouraged or viewed as a sin in some cultures.

So now I have to feed this corrupt system and play the game their way to buy a home. Time to get another secured loan and a couple of unreasonably high APR credit cards and use them conservatively from month to month. I have been advised that if I use them wisely over the next year, it will supposedly make my credit look far more favorable to mortgage companies. It may be for naught because many common projections theorize that mortgages will be much harder to obtain by then. Oh joy! >:-( OK, I am done with my complaining.

One of the things that I have been wrestling with lately is the Peace Testimony which is so prevalent in the Quaker circles where I circulate. The environment I was brought up in had elements of that which is reactionary and occasionally vindictive, so it is hard for me to wrap my mind around this new (to me) way of thinking. Yet choosing to follow the way of peace has been of great benefit to me and others in my life over the past year. It is by no small coincidence that I have begun to let go of struggles with adversarial people in my life; choosing instead to understand them and do what I can to receive them as a human being and treat them kindly while not acknowledging or supporting what I view to be their troublesome personality traits. As a result I have way less enemies and more friendly people surrounding me. My view of life and society is slowly evolving into one which is less negative. I have come to know that the Peace Testimony has to be applied and known intimately on a much smaller, personal level before it can be more broadly applied within society and the human race. It all starts with intent and conscious choice on the part of the individual. This may sound like very basic thinking to some, but for me it is all new.

Speaking

I am terrified of public speaking. Small groups or individuals are totally OK, but when it is a room full of people, it gives me panic attacks and anxiety. In meeting today, I spoke for the first time; from the Spirit and from the Heart. I was completely taken by surprise... hashing over a thought in my mind relating to what someone else had said a few weeks ago in meeting and how it related to what someone had said today. My mind was still sitting down and thinking while my body stood up and spoke, seemingly involuntarily. Despite my heart pounding out of my chest and most of my brain racing around trying to figure out what the heck was happening, my words were clear and concise. A couple of people thanked me after the rise of meeting and told me that I spoke directly to their condition. It was a slightly unnerving, yet it felt right. For those who are unfamiliar with various religious phenomena, it is a sensation not unlike speaking in tongues, except maybe it just comes out in one's native language. I am probably over-analyzing. I have a way of attempting to dissect and understand everything that happens in my life and I need to learn to just put certain things away and wait for new perspective. Regardless, I think I am gaining a more intimate understanding of how this works.

Just A Thought

At meeting today, a man spoke of intentions... how they relate to the outcome of many of our decisions. It brought me into contemplation about the base reasoning of our intentions and how the course my own life has snaked back and forth between two well-defined and diametrically opposite types of intention. In retrospect I have been made to realize that most every decision I have made which resulted in ultimately negative consequences... was based in an intention rooted in the pursuit of self and ego, and on the other end of the spectrum almost every decision which resulted in an improvement of self, a building of maturity and character, and a general richness of existence... all of these were based in an intention to pursue That which is Truth and the purest form of Love. I won't expound on this any further, it speaks for itself and reminds me of where my energy needs to be focused.

I am still wrangling the raging ego but getting better at cutting off it's supply of energy and causing it to retreat back into the darkness where it belongs.

A Miniscule Bit of Self-Discovery

After Meeting today, I was sitting in a coffee shop idly perusing the Faith & Practice book I mentioned in the previous post. I came across a section on bereavement and loss. I have been through a lot of loss in the past few years and this passage hit me so close to home and so powerfully that I came to tears in the middle of the shop and had to remove myself to the bathroom for a few minutes to regain my composure. I am not normally an emotionally expressive person in public situations. This excerpt very plainly describes the exact process which I endured as well as the much-needed personal growth and understanding that I've gained as a result. It is valuable reading if you or a loved one have recently experienced a harsh loss.

22.81
"Loneliness after loss is a bitter and unproductive fruit that generally has to be eaten, skin, stone and all. Meanwhile the table bearing the accustomed spiritual refreshment has vanished, as though it never existed.

In the immediate shock of loss there is help. Friends rally, nature supplies an anaesthetic, the doctor offers Valium. The crux comes later, just when you supposed the worst was past: companions consider the crisis over and return to their own affairs; the first sharp sting has worn off, and you will have decided to give up drugs. You have no idea what is lying in wait.

But now the real battle begins, the formidable adjustment has to be made. The caring and the sharing will never come back, at least in their past form, and a cold, apparently comfortless, independence has to be shaped to create a life of value. The temptation is to look round for a substitute for the one lost - but people grieving are not their normal selves, they are off balance and their judgment is impaired. A new companionship, if it is to be, is like happiness: no good searching for it, if it arrives it will be as a by-product.

The other temptation is to shirk experiencing the loss to the full when the time has come. A readiness and an openness to the approach of that dark night are necessary. Easy to fill the conscious mind with work, or a contrived 'pleasure-seeking', or do-gooding. The unconscious is preparing the pit, and down into it you will eventually be driven. Better go willingly, with all your armour on. For this is in fact the training ground of your spirit, where you will learn how much, through your own pain, you have to offer to others. And so the first and greatest step out of the dark place becomes recognisable: self-absorption begins to give way to empathy with a world of suffering you previously didn't know existed. People in the first shock of grief will be drawn to you, and you, no longer a newcomer to that world, will have found your listening skills.

As to that delicious and sustaining food you were accustomed in happier times to peck at, why, there it is again, and you haven't recognised it. The former sustenance was only fit for children, and has been replaced by helpings of insight appropriate to your increased maturity."

Margery Still, 1990