Religious Proselytizer

This post is a little raw, it is not happy or fun. Hell of a way to kick-start the blog again after a long hiatus.

I was working my usual shift yesterday and a customer who was a representative of a local church came in. This particular church buys a hundred goldfish every year to use in some sort of object lesson which relates to the Bible & Christianity from what I gathered, I didn't ask for details. The man was quite friendly and pleasant as we made small-talk while I bagged up his fish. Then, obviously with purpose, he railroaded the conversation onto things he has done in the way of missionary work with children and my blood started to cool rapidly. I listened quietly, maintaining a friendly but somewhat deferential composure yet still felt that old, familiar pang of discomfort which comes with dealing with folks who are always attempting to inject their religious sensibilities into conversations and I knew what question was coming and knew that I had to be truthful.

As predicted, he suddenly asked ,"Are you a Christian?" Without pause I answered him ,"Used to be." A slightly confused look came over his face and after a brief delay he asked me why I don't consider myself to be so any longer and I told him that a majority of the people I've known over the years who called themselves followers of Christ were some of the biggest hypocrites I've ever known and that Christianity was responsible for me having to leave my home upon coming out of the closet, as well as being alienated from most of my family for many years, this in addition to a lot of religion-based strife in my family and life. He did not address this point but went on to ask me what church I went to when I was younger. I told him that my family had attended a mix of Baptist & Evangelical churches. Then he launched into what seemed to be a well-rehearsed diatribe about how if I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart that none of that mattered, that I was still saved, blah blah blah... My blood went from freezing cold to boiling in a split second, I began to shake a little and realized that I needed to end this interaction before I said something which could get me in trouble so I cut across him a bit tersely and told him that I did not wish to continue this conversation and asked if he needed anything else today. He stopped, looking a little surprised, thanked me for my service and the extras I always throw in for customers and left my department.

Could I have been more polite? Probably, and I felt badly that I did not handle this interaction better. Could I have engaged him in a deeper conversation about all of the hows & whys of my story? Maybe, but he really didn't seem to notice (or was just choosing to ignore) the elephant in the room: Christian hypocrisy and the destruction it brings into people's lives as well as the religion as a whole. The modern, Evangelical Christian collective, no matter how bright and progressive some of them attempt to portray themselves as, have a dark side and lots of skeletons in it's closet. It bothers me deeply because I have personally suffered a lot because of people like this, who choose to abandon critical thinking and instead follow a set script without regard for the inconveniences & contradictions which exist within that script as well as the fact that if they want to understand weighty matters pertinent to our times, they need to first listen and fully understand these matters and adapt their message to modern times. This is why I choose not to wear the label of 'Christian' any more. I have no desire to be identified with this group.

Do I hate Christians? No, I don't. While I don't have an abundance of faith and I do not take the Bible literally, could probably be considered more of an agnostic; I love the example and story of Jesus put forth in the Bible and I agree with a fair amount of what the modern incarnation of Christianity claims to stand for. I just have issues with those who claim to follow him and his example but much of the time act nothing like him; those who are in love with the violence and vindictive anger in the Old Testament as well as the image of angry Jesus kicking the money-changers out of the temple and waging war on everyone whom he disagrees with while completely ignoring that most accounts of his life put him forth as primarily a man of peace and deep wisdom who fought off his opponents gently with words, truth and logic. Are there self-titled 'Christians' out there who really do act like this? Of course, but sadly they are an increasingly silent minority from what I've seen.

As collected and calm as I may pretend to be at times, this run-in with an outspoken evangelical shook my foundations and caused me to realize that I am still very angry. Angry with what has happened to me, angry that I will probably never be fully accepted as I am by my parents, angry that if I again find someone to share my life with that my parents will always regard him as an unwelcome interloper and outsider, angry that my Mom and Dad are sweet, loving, incredibly giving individuals who, in their need for significance and fulfillment, are being blinded and used by a political religious movement which is not held accountable and has very little regard for the damage it is doing to some of the families influenced by them. Most of all I am angry and sad that I had so much innocence and happiness before dogma corrupted my life. Did I make my own share of mistakes in the process? Damn straight, I take responsibility for that. Still, part of moving on from this means that I just need to stop wondering how it might have been had I not been brought up in a conservative, religious household. It had it's upsides too and the 'what ifs' and 'might have beens' are not pertinent except when using the image of them to direct one's self where to go and how to improve things so that others may benefit.

All of that said, I am one of the fortunate ones. My upbringing could have been worse. At least my siblings and I were loved and my parents truly cared about what happened in our lives. Despite mistakes (all parents make them), they at least cared and tried. My family has become closer again over the years and I can say in truth that none of us are the people whom we once were. We've learned where each others' boundaries are and for the most part we do not push them. At least in my case I was allowed to finish trade school before I had to leave my home. There are a lot of folks out there, many of them young or underage who are kicked out of their homes and their entire families' lives completely after it is discovered that they are homosexual. Even worse, some of them are packed up and sent off to 'Ex-gay' programs where they are subjected to all manner of confusion and pseudoscientific 'treatment' which ultimately causes more harm than good.

This experience simply brought to mind that as skilled as I've become at dancing around these issues, I can't any more. I have to roll up my sleeves and dive in. The only way I can progress further in this struggle is to engage myself in theological/religious matters again. I needed the vacation I was on, no doubt, but vacations need to end sooner or later. My head has been restless and needs to get back to doing The Work it was intended to do.

Kareem Salama - A Land Called Paradise

Touching mood-lifter of the day. (followed via a friend's Facebook posting)

Religious & Apocalyptic Theory

For frequent readers who are not of religious mindset or are generally turned off by religious matters, I assure you that the following post will sound like a bunch of insane blather.

There have been a lot of spiritual queries and observations circulating around in my head lately... It is no secret that my first two decades of life in a fundamentalist/evangelical/baptist background have been both a blessing and a curse. The fundamentalists who I've encountered are mostly of the ilk who do not perceive themselves as being fundamentalists (and are offended if given this label). They think that they are purely acting as a tool of God, not bothering to question whether or not it is wise to follow a literal interpretation of a book which was written as a moral code for an ancient, largely undeveloped society. I frequently consider my past spiritual life and how it compares with my views in more recent times, how it all fits into the big picture, and I continue fighting to keep a clear perspective in order to stay on the right path.

Admittedly, I am not the best or most astute Christian... in fact I can be quite the "Doubting Thomas". I frequently call my own beliefs into question, I sometimes treat my religious outlook with irreverence in mixed company, and I often have a hard time with fundamentalism: despising the mindset while attempting to understand and love those who have been trapped by it. Despite this doubting nature, I still find myself right back at a place of Faith. I've also not cracked the cover of my Bible for almost a decade. One could say that I've developed an aversion to Bible-reading due to all the times that I've seen the Good Book used by cruel people as an instrument of control, an assault weapon, or as a torture device. As of lately, I am cautiously attempting to revisit the Scriptures with a new attitude and different mental framework, without the fundamentalist dogma filter... much of this with the hopes of subverting many of the lies which I frequently encounter within my family and the general Christian community.

This is all very overwhelming and I will confess that I am a bit disillusioned by a large part of Christianity because of it's rampant hypocrisy... People preaching about loving others while happily supporting a war with extraordinarily high collateral damage (and severe long-term repercussions); insecure men who claim to be spreading the love of Jesus while treating all the females in their life with utter contempt and allowing their family to rot and wither from the inside out; people in the church hierarchy who put on an heir of acceptance and love during services but outside of it they cast revulsion and complete disrespect toward women, homosexuals, and other ethnic groups. I've watched churches eject people for simply disagreeing with what the pastor says (wouldn't any pastor worth his salt attempt to gently explain his position?), and observed congregations who tame their guilty conscience by sending a token sum of money to missions overseas while completely ignoring the abundance of physical and spiritual need within their own community (it seems to be easier to look at a few photographs and read stories instead of confronting the problems head-on). I've heard all manner of sermons about the evils of sexual immorality yet the deacons and/or pastor physically and emotionally abuse their wives, keeping them subservient with the vague threat of salvation-loss or even physical harm. When women in some churches become pregnant outside of marriage, they suddenly become an object of ridicule and stigma... yet if it is found out that a man (within the church) had sex outside of marriage, he might get a slap on the wrist or his behavior is tacitly accepted as being just part of the nature of men. There are all these supposedly "Christian" political organizations who have all sorts of lofty spiritual aspirations on the surface, but a strong bloodlust and desire for control underneath it all. Men who claim that women are to be respected, then blame them for being raped or molested by insisting that it was the woman's own fault for wearing immodest clothing or unintentionally leading the aggressor on. Church folks who profess a strict moral code except when it directly contradicts their personal interests. A society of people who greedily consume material goods at the expense of other societies and the earth (as well as all the natural life that it contains). Instances where people who come to God seeking relief from drug or alcohol addiction are warmly accepted, yet are treated like the filthy stray dog who raided the garbage bin if they happen to lose their way and backslide a bit. I forget which blog I read it on, but I recently came across a quote that stated,"Christianity is one of the only religions which shoots it's own wounded." Regrettably, I have to agree with that statement somewhat. Am I sounding overly negative yet? I apologize, bear with me here.

I've read on various Christian websites about what a sorry state the world is in, supposedly because of the decrease in true Believers. Well I ask this: Why should everyone else believe? Would you go to a psychologist who talked to inanimate objects? Would you pay for the services of a doctor who never washed his hands and was always sick? Would you be quick to form an alliance with someone who commanded unquestioning loyalty, demanded complete control of all your thought processes, and severely persecuted or executed anyone who did not follow these requirements? I do believe that all churches and branches of Christianity suffer with the aforementioned problems to a greater or lesser degree. I also firmly believe that we are witnessing the False Church spoken of in Revelation, growing within the pews of our own churches today, feeding off of the ignorance and all of this fake intellectual/moral sanctimony. It seems to consist of the minds of those who would blindly follow a doctrine just because it says so in a book, bypassing all common sense or leadings of the Spirit, and engaging in the hypocritical behaviors mentioned in the last paragraph. In deference to the fact that none of us are perfect, I conjecture that the False Church exists in all of us in some measure, the two sides continuously having a knock-down, drag-out war with each other... the ultimate prize being control of the human consciousness. I confess that I often feel the war going on within my own self and am fighting every day to see clearly past the lies.

On the positive side, there are a lot of good things coming about as a result of this conflict within the religious world... things are starting to polarize... while the False Church spews hatred and punishment, there are Christian groups who are now practicing the true teachings of Christ and embracing areas of society which were previously considered too filthy to touch... with a humble heart (not a sense of moral superiority) taking in those who are broken by drugs, abuse, and ignorance, rebuilding them and turning them into stronger people and continuing to lay a healing hand on those whose struggle is not so easily won, regardless of how many times they mess up. The Spirit is starting to move deeply within the gay community... bringing about a new sense of awareness and spiritual strength to many 'former Christians' who have been ostracized by the teachings of the False Church. There are Many in all religions and walks of life who are mobilizing to fight the corrosive ideologies which have become so deeply rooted in our failing system. I have faith that regardless of how strong or prominent the Beast gets, there will always be a balancing, healing, understanding, transcending Presence that is even stronger.