Move Almost Complete

The moving is almost finished with. I am happy that it is almost over with but feeling ambivalent in other areas. Part of me feels defeated and shaken from having my life gutted and reduced like this. The other part of me feels relieved because it is another chapter of my life over with and it signals a new beginning.

One of the things that keeps me grounded right now is the remembrance of other people who have been forcibly uprooted in other parts of the world: families, towns, entire ethnic groups who are/were coerced into leaving their homes without any prior notice and no means of taking their possessions with them. There is no reason for me to whine about what I am going through. At least I had a couple weeks to haphazardly prepare for this and I still own most of what I have worked hard for. I am lucky by comparison.

This life has been long overdue for a serious shakeup. Traditionally, times of insecurity and fluctuation have been unpleasant and stressful, but they've also forced me to reevaluate my situation and turn the time of change into a turning point leading to deeper meaning and better things in life. "A door closing frequently signals the opening of another." I mourn for my old life, the quiet predictability and security of being the king of my own domain, but I am relieved that I have less to maintain and worry about for the time being. I feel like it is time to focus on strengthening my existing talents as well as the connection with my family & friends. It also feels like the time for seeking out new skills and perspectives. I do not know what the future is bringing but I will accept it and take it as it comes, looking for the opportunity to create something good from it.

Possible Hiatus???

Due to the impending temporary living situation mentioned in the previous post. I may not be able to blog or check my e-mail on any sort of predictable schedule, it will most likely be infrequent. If this blog seems to go dead for a while, I've simply put it into suspended animation until I am in a living situation that is at least semi-permanent. Bless you all and wish me luck with moving ;-).

KABLAM!!!

I'm sorry that my blogging is so sporadic lately (yeah yeah, I have made this apology several times over the past year for various reasons). Life has blown up in my face and I am frantically rushing around trying to pack it all in again... literally. My (former) landlord has lost the building my apartment is in to foreclosure, and my status as a flawless tenant means squat to the default loan company who now possesses my residence. This has been my home for four years and I will need to be out by this Saturday. One of my best friends also tried to commit suicide the other day and he was almost successful. Thankfully he was rescued in time and is now getting the help and counseling he needs. I've been handling some of his affairs and visiting him as frequently as possible in the midst of all this frantic packing. I'm praying for him and wishing the best for him and his family. There is also a certain level of detachment at this point which is helping me to deal with what is on my plate right now. A few months ago I started having a foreboding feeling that my strength and focus would be put to the test at some point soon; time to dig in my heels and take the bull by the horns again.

A positive side to what I am going through: My parents and I had a family sit-down while on vacation in August. Having felt strongly that our family was on a collision course with permanent division and strife; as gently and considerately as possible, I called my parents on the carpet for some of their past and current mistakes, pleading for more cohesion in the family and a change in the way that we deal with each other. I am not meaning to vilify them in my blog, they are only human and all of us make mistakes. One of my loved ones who was present thinks that I "let into" my Dad, but I actually choked back the vicious side of me that wanted to spew venom about some of the shortcomings which have caused me a lot of pain over the years. I have learned that allowing my hurtful, raging ego out of it's cage can never result in anything positive in the long term.

As a result of all this, the whole family is now making a sincere effort to be more tactful and kind to each other, which is bringing us all closer. Also, this has enabled me to see my parents in a more forgiving light. I would initially have had reservations about staying with them for a short while due to my sudden change in living situation (this point will become more clear when my essay is posted), but now I feel much more comfortable about being in their household. The peacemaker role is new to me and even if it puts me in difficult positions, it has so far made me a stronger, better person and I welcome the opportunity to act as a balancing force where there is discord.